Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns

Helloooo Newman: Resolushuns: I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to...

Resolushuns

I've never been one for New Year resolutions. The motivation behind them never lasts. I've always thought that if you really want to change in some way, don't do it when everyone else is doing it and it's the "behaviour du jour". Do it in July, when you're relaxing at the cottage, drunk and pregnant with magic brownies. Takes way more effort. I've never seen anyone make a summer resolution, other than to drink more and then go water skiing at night.

This philosophy applies to other behaviour as well. If you really want to marry that person, do it in February when you have to salt the walkways into the wedding tent and the bride is wearing high-heel galoshes. It's so easy to get married on a nice summer day, which is why the divorce rate is so high.

Honeymoon in the South Pole, not the Bahamas. Too easy to have a good time. All-inclusive penguin meat has a way of holding a marriage together.

Now ignore all that because this year I am trying a resolution on for size.

For this, I'm turning to the Buddha. It's a strange choice, in that there is some question as to if he actually existed, and whether he appeared on Dancing with the Philosophers.

The Buddha said that "attachment is the root of suffering". Again, there is some question as to the accuracy of this translation. Some scholars think he said, "Shit, I overdosed on melatonin and I can't get out of this pose. My knees are killing me."

I'll assume what he meant was attachment to objects or outcomes. It's so much more romantic.

I've come across this pearl of wisdom before. I always thought it referred to the umbilical cord, and that it should be cut because you're too attached to your mom.

So, I'm no longer gonna be attached to my things, including this blog. We shall see if this really is the root of suffering. I still think the real root is having a teenage daughter.

Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?

Helloooo Newman: Whose Wall is It, Anyway?: Steel slats. Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats". Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Co...

Whose Wall is It, Anyway?

Steel slats.

Trump is talking about the wall and "steel slats".

Is he talking about the border wall? Or the walls of Ann Coulter's vagina?

Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus

Helloooo Newman: Baby Jesus: It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday. "It...

Baby Jesus

It's funny how Facebook reminds me of all my friend's birthdays, but it never reminds me of the baby Jesus' birthday.

"It's Jesus' birthday today. Wish him Happy Birthday, but don't tell Him how old He is or that He broke His promise about coming back."

That's a huge oversight. I like to think that Jesus is my best friend. Certainly better than my Facebook friends, who only "friend" me for the high status it brings them.

And why doesn't Jesus post any pictures? Where the hell is He, anyway? Maybe He's stuck in Limbo. I hear it's really hard to take a good picture of Limbo. There's nothing there because everything's in limbo.

Well, Happy Early Birthday, Jesus. By the way, I shared the Facebook video of my life in 2018 with you. Most of what happened I blame on you. And your old man.

Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo

Helloooo Newman: Social Schizo: The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.

Social Schizo

The good thing about my schizophrenia and social media is that, instead of talking to myself, I text myself.

Helloooo Newman: Transparent

Helloooo Newman: Transparent: Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest. A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to reme...

Transparent

Sarah Sanders hopes she's remembered as transparent and honest.

A transparent face – a face one could not see – yes, I want to remember her that way.



(that's not very nice, Newman. Apologize.)

sorry

Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)

Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape): Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside , but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics. A new...

Baby It's Cold Outside (minus the rape)

Good news for those in Canada that love the melody of Baby It's Cold Outside, but heed the blatant call for rape in the lyrics.

A new version has been written. By Canada. You know – the place that isn't America.

In this improved version, a man sees a woman standing outside on a wintry minus thirty degrees day.

He goes outside and warns her of the cold and invites her inside for some hot chocolate. There is no Rohypnol in his house.

NO, you rapist. She says.

The man, realizing that consent hasn't been given, goes back inside.

The woman dies of hypothermia.

A neighbour witnesses that the man did not lend aid and comfort to the women, and testifies to this at the man's trial.

The man is convicted of second degree murder and jailed in a cell between two rapists.

I know. It's a bit complicated, but pretty catchy once the lyrics are matched up to the notes.

Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...

Helloooo Newman: Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine...: In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations. Climate change experts applaud th...

Baby It's Way Colder Than You Can Possibly Imagine Outside

In its war on rape culture, Canada, finally, has banned Baby It's Cold Outside from radio stations.

Climate change experts applaud this move, reminding us that's it's getting hotter out there.

By the way, Hot Hot Hot will also be banned.

Stay tuned for a list of allowable songs, coming soon.

In the meantime, as a rule of thumb, please only listen to songs about adults consenting at room temperature.

Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation

Helloooo Newman: Energy Conservation: I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill. ME: Why are you charging me for energy? HYDRO: Because it costs money...

Energy Conservation

I chatted online with Toronto Hydro about my electricity bill.

ME: Why are you charging me for energy?

HYDRO: Because it costs money.

ME: Why does it cost money?

HYDRO: Because you are using the energy.

ME: Got ya! The First Law of Thermodynamics, called The Conservation of Energy, states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.

HYDRO: How would you like to pay?

ME: You didn't create the energy, so you don't get to charge me. It's not even your energy to give away.

HYDRO: It's suppose to be a cold winter, sir.

ME: And I didn't USE anything. The energy is still there somewhere. You can reuse it.

HYDRO: Why are your pants down, sir?

ME: What?…I…

HYDRO: You forgot to cover up your webcam.

ME: VISA, please.

Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open

Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open: Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. Think of our blog like it's a McDona...

Phone Lines are Open

Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why.

Think of our blog like it's a McDonald's hamburger. Each article is made with 99.9% Canada grade A funny. Sure, there are some additives (lots of salt, sugar, fat, gluten, terrible for heart health), but essentially, it's a funny burger. A Happy Meal. Without the lineups and puke-stained washrooms.

But, there are other hamburgers out there, trying to go down better than us.

In light of this sad news, we at HN want your feedback.

We have two phone lines set up to hear what you have to say.

For positive feedback, call 1-800-NEWMANLOVESYOU

For negative feedback, call 1-800-IHOPENEWMANPOOSONYOURMATTRESS

Operators are standing by…

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO: Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

EIEIO

Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg.

My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, CRO.

In these positions, her blood type has been changed to OOO negative.

I am the EIEIO, heading up the animal department.

Watch for our quarterly reports, issued once a year.

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy: Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what make...

Dying is Easy

Writing quality comedy is hard.

People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what makes me laugh.

See my problem?

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered: I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Days Are Numbered

I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither: You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn colle...

Me Neither

You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn collection and you inadvertently yell out, "Oh ya, I've seen that one. It's sooooo good."?

Me neither.

Helloooo Newman: No Answer

Helloooo Newman: No Answer: French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec go unanswered.

No Answer

French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec politicians go unanswered.

"Hey Ernie, gimme two macrons with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles."

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading: Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. Maybe the reason the world is so me...

Still Downloading

Downloading: The universe

Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app.

Maybe the reason the world is so messed up and confusing is that it hasn't finished downloading.

Has anybody checked the status bar lately?

I imagine the software engineer like this: An ADHD-riddled teen in nothing but dirty gym socks (online Avatar is Facial Fasciitis) playing basketball with his sperm into empty cups of Yop and popping fentanyl out of his Pez dispenser.

The Universe: Yer Fucked version Zero.

Still downloading…

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams: People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will b...

Pursue Your Dreams

People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will be no pursuing, except of more sleep.

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates: Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Save Your Masterbates

Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause: I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Santa Clause

I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings: You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Daylight Savings

You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back: Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show. Finally, I found treatment....

Pain in the Back

Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show.

Finally, I found treatment. It's called acuPUNCHer. My wife repeatedly punches me in the head until the pain drowns out my back.

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God: I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don&#3...

Tapping into God

I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don't tell Him.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way: Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Halloween The Conway Way

Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies: A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the plane...

Fruits and Veggies

A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the planet. This is not a dire situation, they said, since only about 9 people in North America eat fruits and vegetables every day. Six of those people get their f&v from drinking a daily bloody Mary and an apple martini.

Further analysis showed that there are enough Cronuts to feed every man, woman, and child, either dead, living, or to be born, plus the population of 6 alien planets.

Here's the link: https://www.ndtv.com/food/there-are-not-enough-fruits-and-vegetables-for-everybody-on-this-planet-scientists-reveal-1939397

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study: Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Wake Study

Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events: Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Recent Events

Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span: I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell...

Spic and Span

I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell those words have to do with things being clean.

Who the hell chose Spic? "Hey Frank, what the hell should we call this new cleaner?"

"How about a racist and derogatory term for Mexicans?"

"That's new. Bold. I like it."

Today the more enlightened racists call them rapists and murderers. Rapists and Murderers and Span won't fit on the box above, and definitely doesn't sound like something I want to clean with.

Rapists and Murderers and Span: It kills germs, and your family. Tough on blood spatter too.

Span refers to time or distance. I never have the time to clean and the Windex is always too far from my bed, where I'm napping.

When I look at my bathroom, I definitely feel like it's in a state of spic only.

Maybe I should try Arm and Hammer. More of the hammer, though, since the dirt is a few years old.

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er: I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion. ...

Daughter – Got 'er

I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion.

If anyone has seen my real daughter, please, please, contact me.

Somebody's got 'er.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween: For Halloween this year I was going to put piece of human skeleton in our planters. Then I thought, okay, too soon.

Halloween

For Halloween this year I was going to put pieces of human skeleton in our planters.

Then I thought, okay, maybe too soon.

Helloooo Newman: Homo

Helloooo Newman: Homo: Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk. The defining feature of this sp...

Homo

Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk.

The defining feature of this species is that they drank shitloads of milk (often with cookies). So much milk that their bodies developed lactose intolerance and at one point they were relieving themselves 24 hours a day. They are responsible for the lactose intolerance gene, passed on to Homosapien.

Speaking of Homosapien, archeologists speculate that this hominid is on its way out, hopefully to be replaced by Homo Genius.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve: When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your do...

Dog Peeve

When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your dog?"

Fuckin' NO. Does this look like a dog party to you? Look closely at my face. Do I look friendly? No. Do I look like I will bite you? Yes.

Imagine if people did this to each other.

"Hi. Do you mind if my husband says hi to your wife? He's so friendly, especially with women he's not married to. Careful, he's not fixed so he might try to hump her. A swift kick in the balls usually reminds him he's married to me."

Have nice day.

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing: Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Interest Rates are Increasing

Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia: Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Saudi Arabia. Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy fucking hi...

Gaudy Arabia

Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Even mightier. Saudi Arabia.

Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too busy drilling his mistress for oil in the next palace down anyway.

Kind of makes murdering and "Ginsu-knifing" up reporters a little more…tolerable.

Later to be served as…Trump steaks?

Helloooo Newman: There is no God

Helloooo Newman: There is no God: Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the universe." He wrote this…just...

There is no God

Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the universe."

He wrote this…just before he died.

You decide!

Helloooo Newman: Seven of Nine

Helloooo Newman: Seven of Nine: Seven of Nine had a kid and named it Square Root of Nine.

Seven of Nine

Seven of Nine had a kid and named it Square Root of Nine.

Helloooo Newman: Living Your Why

Helloooo Newman: Living Your Why: I saw a book called Living Your Why and I thought, well, that's better than living at the Y.

Living Your Why

I saw a book called Living Your Why and I thought, well, that's better than living at the Y.

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather: It's time to be honest with ourselves. Don't we all secretly wish one of those CNN reporters that plant themselves in the middle of ...

Stormy Weather

It's time to be honest with ourselves. Don't we all secretly wish those CNN reporters that plant themselves in the middle of a deadly storm get swept away. Perhaps a body is impaled on the last standing light pole, legs and arms flailing in the 150 mph wind, right beside the tattered American flag. Microphone held in midair, held up by the gale-force winds.

All caught on live tv, just before the camera crew is also blown away to the land of Oz.

Then maybe they'll stop 24 hour coverage of wind and rain.

Helloooo Newman: Dryer

Helloooo Newman: Dryer: I turned on the dryer with nothing in it. An hour later I opened it and all the socks I ever lost were in there.

Dryer

I turned on the dryer with nothing in it. An hour later I opened it and all the socks I ever lost were in there.

Helloooo Newman: TV Show Children

Helloooo Newman: TV Show Children: If Agent 99 from Get Smart and 7 of 9 from Star Trek have a kid, it would be called 7.99. People would round it off to 8 for short.

TV Show Children

If Agent 99 from Get Smart and 7 of 9 from Star Trek have a kid, it would be called 7.99. People would round it off to 8 for short.

Helloooo Newman: Elephant in the Room

Helloooo Newman: Elephant in the Room: A group of people having dinner ignored the elephant in the room and were crushed to death. Even worse, it was a white elephant.

Elephant in the Room

A group of people having dinner ignored the elephant in the room and were crushed to death.

Even worse, it was a white elephant.

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Shopping: If I buy everyone wrapping paper as an Xmas present, do I need to wrap it? Technically, it's wrapped in itself. And if I wrap it, can I ...

Xmas Shopping

If I buy everyone wrapping paper as an Xmas present, do I need to wrap it? Technically, it's wrapped in itself. And if I wrap it, can I use some of the paper from the wrapping paper present to wrap the wrapping paper present? Or do I buy separate wrapping paper to wrap the wrapping paper? Seems like a waste.

If I wrap the wrapping paper with wrapping paper, how do you know when the wrapping paper wrapping the wrapping paper present ends and the actual wrapping paper present begins?

When you think about it (and I know you are right now), how can anyone tell if I wrapped the wrapping paper present with separate wrapping paper or used the wrapping paper from the wrapping paper present? You could never be sure, and conceivably keep opening the wrapping paper until you get to the cardboard cylinder at the centre. In this case, I'll tell them to save the wrapping paper the wrapping paper present is wrapped in, or just tell them I got them a cardboard cylinder for Xmas.

Either way, giving wrapping paper as an Xmas gift gets a bad wrap.

Maybe it's easier just to get everyone wifi for Xmas. Should I wrap that? How?

Helloooo Newman: Vacuuming

Helloooo Newman: Vacuuming: Whenever my wife asks me to clean the house, I always quote Aristotle. "Nature abhors vacuuming."

Vacuuming

Whenever my wife asks me to clean the house, I always quote Aristotle.

"Nature abhors vacuuming."

Helloooo Newman: History Repeats Itself

Helloooo Newman: History Repeats Itself: Those who do not learn from their browser history are doomed to repeat it.

History Repeats Itself

Those who do not learn from their browser history are doomed to repeat it.

Helloooo Newman: Bonsai

Helloooo Newman: Bonsai: If a bonsai tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Bonsai

If a bonsai tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? 

Helloooo Newman: Self-esteam

Helloooo Newman: Self-esteam: I was feeling really arrogant yesterday so I let out some self-esteam.

Self-esteam

I was feeling really arrogant yesterday so I let out some self-esteam.

Helloooo Newman: No Stone Unturned

Helloooo Newman: No Stone Unturned: You know what I would hate? If I lived on Easter Island and someone lost something really important, like an expensive diamond wedding ri...

No Stone Unturned

You know what I would hate? If I lived on Easter Island and someone lost something really important, like an expensive diamond wedding ring. Then the entire island would have to look for it, and someone would say, "We are leaving no stone unturned until it's found."

What? I sure as ain't lifting those huge fucking stone faces. Cancel the wedding.

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground

Helloooo Newman: Boots on the Ground: For the next war I think we should actually drop boots onto the ground of the enemy. It's worth a try. Those army boots have really hard...

Boots on the Ground

For the next war I think we should actually drop boots onto the ground of the enemy. It's worth a try. Those army boots have really hard soles, and probably steel toes. That could really hurt people if dropped in large numbers. They would probably kick the teeth out of a lot of the enemy, especially if they're looking into the sky to see what's falling.

Once the war is over, we can sell the boots to the enemy if they want to keep them.

#warsolved.

Helloooo Newman: Ant Farm

Helloooo Newman: Ant Farm: Why is it called an ant farm? Doesn't look or smell like a farm. I've never seen an ant driving some wide tractor that takes up the ...

Ant Farm

Why is it called an ant farm? Doesn't look or smell like a farm. I've never seen an ant driving some wide tractor that takes up the entire road and makes me late to the cottage.

"Damn ant farmers. Get outta my way. I get my food at the grocery store."

"I'll step on your farm if you don't move!"

That's one good thing about the ant farm. You can put them out of business with a whomp of your foot. "Is that an illegal opium crop? Not any more."

And yet they always rebuild it.

"Hey Joe, maybe we should give up and relocate?"

"Are you kidding? My ancestors have been toiling this sand for ages. This is our land."

Helloooo Newman: The Wall

Helloooo Newman: The Wall: If I were a wall, I'd hate to be a load-bearing wall. Sounds so stressful. Too much responsibility. "Hey wall, if you collapse, you...

The Wall

If I were a wall, I'd hate to be a load-bearing wall. Sounds so stressful. Too much responsibility. "Hey wall, if you collapse, you are responsible for the deaths of many people. Good luck."

I guess I'd listen to The Band's The Weight all day. "Put the load (the studs would do the backing vocals – put the load, put the load ) right on me."

I'd rather be a regular wall whose only responsibility is to divide two rooms. Or better yet, one of those half walls with a counter on it. People sit around me and rest their drinks. That sounds like fun. I'd be a social wall.

Of course, the rest of the house would call me names. "Hey, half wall. Your mother's a subfloor."

Helloooo Newman: Night Vision

Helloooo Newman: Night Vision: I wonder if you can get night vision contacts. Would make hunting terrorists at night much easier as well as comfortable and stylish. I...

Night Vision

I wonder if you can get night vision contacts. Would make hunting terrorists at night much easier as well as comfortable and stylish.

I doubt they come in disposable. That's totally dumb.

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Salad

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Salad: I'd hate to be a vegetarian who turns into a zombie. You don't see many zombies wandering the forest looking for the salad bar.

Zombie Salad

I'd hate to be a vegetarian who turns into a zombie. You don't see many zombies wandering the forest looking for the salad bar.

I'm sorry but human flesh gives me explosive diarrhea.

Helloooo Newman: Salt Lamp

Helloooo Newman: Salt Lamp: Can I season my food with a salt lamp? Will my steak electrocute me?

Salt Lamp

Can I season my food with a Himalayan salt lamp? Will my steak electrocute me?

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol Deaths

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol Deaths: The WHO (not the band but the World Health Organization)  found that 3 million people died from alcohol consumption in 2016. The rest had a ...

Alcohol Deaths

The WHO (not the band but the World Health Organization) found that 3 million people died from alcohol consumption in 2016. The rest had a great time.

Helloooo Newman: Autobiography

Helloooo Newman: Autobiography: I'm writing an autobiography of my car.

Autobiography

I'm writing an autobiography of my car.

Helloooo Newman: Immunity

Helloooo Newman: Immunity: My immune system has been down recently so I hung out with some bad guys, committed crimes as I learned how they operated, went to the prose...

Immunity

My immune system has been down recently so I hung out with some bad guys, committed crimes as I learned how they operated, went to the prosecutor with all the details and asked for immunity.

Helloooo Newman: Laugh Track

Helloooo Newman: Laugh Track: Soon all Helloooo Newman blogs will be accompanied by a laugh track. This way you will know which parts to laugh at, if any, and how hard an...

Laugh Track

Soon all Helloooo Newman blogs will be accompanied by a laugh track. This way you will know which parts to laugh at, if any, and how hard and long to laugh.

Should you spit your milk out at a particular funny bit? Pee your pants? Slap your knee? Or are you reading one of the more profound articles exploring the human condition in a rigor mortis way. Or is that rigorous? I'll check that.

Please pay attention to the kind of laugh as well. This will guide you on the proper type of sound to emit. Among the available laughs will be a chortle, guffaw, smirk accompanied by a phlegmy clearing-your-throat sound, cackle, giggle, the silent laugh, har-har and my favourite, tee-hee.

Please, no laughing your ass off at Newman blogs.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Death Wish

Helloooo Newman: Death Wish: I'm donating my ashes to the Fireplace Channel. I'm donating my body to pseudoscience.

Death Wish

I'm donating my ashes to the Fireplace Channel.

I'm donating my body to pseudoscience.

Helloooo Newman: Batteries

Helloooo Newman: Batteries: I bought some batteries and the electricity was sold separately.

Batteries

I bought some batteries and the electricity was sold separately.

Helloooo Newman: Fight or Flight

Helloooo Newman: Fight or Flight: Yesterday my fight or flight instinct kicked in but then I realized I was on a plane so I went with flight.

Fight or Flight

Yesterday my fight or flight instinct kicked in but then I realized I was on a plane so I went with flight.

Helloooo Newman: Shark Tank

Helloooo Newman: Shark Tank: I went on the show Shark Tank wearing shark repellant.  They didn't buy my idea. It works.

Shark Tank

I went on the show Shark Tank wearing shark repellant. 

They wouldn't bite. It works.
As soon as I told them that, they wanted to buy it.
I said you can't, because then it doesn't work.
All around, a great success.

Helloooo Newman: Almost Never

Helloooo Newman: Almost Never: Don't you hate it when people say "almost never"? "Mmmm, this creme brûlée is divine. And I almost never have dessert.&...

Almost Never

Don't you hate it when people say "almost never"?

"Mmmm, this creme brûlée is divine. And I almost never have dessert."

Well, which the fuck is it? If it's even one time, it can't be never, by definition. You've either crammed a dessert down your gullet or you haven't. You can't have a little bit of never. Once your cherry is popped, it's popped, especially if it's on top of a chocolate sundae. Chances are someone who uses this expression has dessert before, during and after every meal and while they sleep.

Please, stop speaking "almost English" and never say "almost never".

Helloooo Newman: Weathered

Helloooo Newman: Weathered: I'm tired of weather being in the news 24/7.  Yesterday my shrink downgraded me to a tropical depression.

Weathered

I'm tired of weather being in the news 24/7. 

Yesterday my shrink downgraded me to a tropical depression.

Helloooo Newman: M&Ms

Helloooo Newman: M&Ms: I had to return a bag of M&Ms because it was filled with Ws.

M&Ms

I had to return a bag of M&Ms because it was filled with Ws.

Helloooo Newman: Dial M for Murder

Helloooo Newman: Dial M for Murder: I'm doing a remake of the Hitchcock classic Dial M for Murder . It's a real small budget so it's called Dial M for Misdemeanor ....

Dial M for Murder

I'm doing a remake of the Hitchcock classic Dial M for Murder. It's a real small budget so it's called Dial M for Misdemeanor. Can't afford actors to play murderers and cops and judges or writers to write some intricate plot and all that crap. We can barely afford the cell phone plan to dial. Coming soon to an Apple Watch near your wrist.

Alternate Title: Text M for Misdemeanor

Helloooo Newman: Op-Ed

Helloooo Newman: Op-Ed: I think Ed Asner wrote the famous Op-Ed.

Op-Ed

I think Ed Asner wrote the famous Op-Ed.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: I hate those awkward moments in-between feeling outraged about something.

Wit Bits

I hate those awkward moments in-between feeling outraged about something.

Helloooo Newman: The Secret of My Success

Helloooo Newman: The Secret of My Success: Marry much smarter than I am.

The Secret of My Success

Marry much smarter than I am.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: If I become homeless, I'm gonna go up to people and say, "Bond. Vaga Bond." I think global warming is an evil plot to get ...

Wit Bits

If I become homeless, I'm gonna go up to people and say, "Bond. Vaga Bond", and then pull out an empty wine bottle that's also a poison dart gun.



I think global warming is an evil plot to get us to enjoy winter.



I never thought it would happen, but I'm starting to enjoy traditional country music. My fave song right now is "Fucked Her in a Dive Bar, Got'er Pregnant, Payin' Support." Really captures the nuanced emotions around that kind of life, especially as felt by the man, when he's not piss drunk and puking on his own mattress.

Helloooo Newman: Something's Fishy

Helloooo Newman: Something's Fishy: A recent study of the consumer fish market revealed two disturbing facts: up to 50% of fish you buy is mislabeled and 100% of the fish you b...

Something's Fishy

A recent study of the consumer fish market revealed two disturbing facts: up to 50% of the fish you buy is mislabeled and 100% of the fish you buy tastes like…fish.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: Cosmologists tell us that the universe is made of dust and gas. Is it a surprise some of it makes its way onto the furniture? Can you explai...

Wit Bits

Cosmologists tell us that the universe is made mostly of dust. Is it a surprise some of it makes its way onto the furniture? Can you explain that to my wife?


These days attention deficit disorder should be considered a strength.


We always talk about rain delays, but no one ever considers the annoyance of sun delays. It took two weeks to film Gene Kelly singing in the rain, due to a bunch of sunny days.


I enjoy tennis because it has the word "love" in it, although I would prefer the word "sex".


I never play chess because after 3 moves there are now 121 million possible combinations of moves. I can never decide which one to choose.


I always make sure my hair is nice when I'm driving, just in case I get snapped by photo radar. I wonder if you're not suppose to smile, like in your passport photo.

Helloooo Newman: Turning Signal

Helloooo Newman: Turning Signal: Can you ever remember the meaning of those crazy arm signals cyclists use when they turn? Especially when you're driving, texting, drink...

Turning Signal

Can you ever remember the meaning of those crazy arm signals cyclists use when they turn? Especially when you're driving, texting, drinking a hot coffee, and trying NOT to make the cyclist a hood ornament.

What's with the bent arm shit? "His right arm is bent. What the fuck does that mean again? Is he waving at someone? His shoulder is sore? Maybe he's a synchronized swimmer. Damn coffee's too hot. I better…screech…splat."

Just give me the goddamn direction you're going by POINTING. "See my right arm? It's pointing to the right. The rest of me is going that way too."

That's what I do when I give people directions. I point in the direction they want. I don't play robot man with my arms bent 90 degrees.

Must have been some dumbass cyclist all "roided-up" who developed this nonsense. "Ya, ahhhh, I saw these cool signals used at Stonehenge 10,000 years ago. That'd be so cool to use."

KISS: Keep It Simple Syclists.

Helloooo Newman: New Friends

Helloooo Newman: New Friends: It's so hard making new friends as I get older. Stuck in my ways, that kind of thing. I met a guy at a party who asked me if I knew th...

New Friends

It's so hard making new friends as I get older. Stuck in my ways, that kind of thing.

I met a guy at a party who asked me if I knew the turning radius of my car.

It'll never work, I thought.

Helloooo Newman: Nothing At All

Helloooo Newman: Nothing At All: A new longitudinal study that examined nothingness , conducted over a 100-year period, has concluded nothing at all . Said the scientists:...

Nothing At All

A new longitudinal study that examined nothingness, conducted over a 100-year period, has concluded nothing at all.

Said the scientists:

"This is a great success for the scientific community. Nay, for humanity itself. At first, we were afraid we would find something. How on earth would we fit something into our theories of nothing? However, tenacity and brilliant examination, combined with complicated math, elegant formulas, and other people's money, led us to find nothing at all. We hope this will be shared 3 trillion times on Facebook, Twitter and Tinder. We expect that even people looking for sex in a bar will say, "Before you take your pants off, did you hear about that nothing study?"

The more work we did, the more it led us to…nothing at all as our finding. We speculate there's even more nothing at all that we haven't found yet."

A breakaway group of rogue scientists published a separate paper that expressed the findings differently. Instead of nothing at all, this group characterized the findings as "zippo" and "zilch". It's unclear if "zilch" actually means nothing or just the absence of something. One scientist, who went with "nada", was excommunicated and will never work again.

They all celebrated by playing Billy Preston's Nothing from Nothing. Two scientists who were dating sang in unison the line "you gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me." They left the study and had no children.

The next study will delve into how nothing at all impacts our daily lives.

Helloooo Newman: The Speed Bumps of Life

Helloooo Newman: The Speed Bumps of Life: Anyone who drives a 4x4 SUV and swerves to the side of the road so that only two tires go over the speed bump should be locked in a hot car...

The Speed Bumps of Life

Anyone who drives a 4x4 SUV and swerves to the side of the road so that only two tires go over the speed bump should be locked in a hot car with James Corden and forced to sing the entire KISS catalogue with elastic bands around their throat for two weeks (two tires, two weeks).

Helloooo Newman: Apples and Oranges

Helloooo Newman: Apples and Oranges: Why the hell can't I compare apples to oranges? Remember that Sesame Street game? Which one of these things doesn't belong to th...

Apples and Oranges

Why the hell can't I compare apples to oranges?

Remember that Sesame Street game? Which one of these things doesn't belong to the other? You have to compare shit to play that game, correct? Once kids learn that, we tell them to stop comparing apples to oranges. "Stop that, Billy. Put the apple down and eat your orange." No wonder millennials are mixed up. Far more so than my generation.

It's not a huge leap, people. Apples and oranges belong to a group called "fruit". So why can't we compare items in the category called fruit? Last week my wife compared me to a koala bear. Lazy and always high on eucalyptus. Not true. I occasionally suck on a eucalyptus lozenge when I have a sore throat. That can't be enough to make me lazy. I blame my laziness on the fact that I don't want to do anything. And on my parents.

What you should never do is compare Apples to PCs. PCs suck shit. Throw them out. They are rotten.

Otherwise, compare away.

Helloooo Newman: Lathe

Helloooo Newman: Lathe: I carry a lathe around with me so that, whenever necessary, I can quickly fit a square peg into a round hole.

Lathe

I carry a lathe around with me so that, whenever necessary, I can quickly fit a square peg into a round hole.

Helloooo Newman: Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit

Helloooo Newman: Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit: In a first-of-its-kind lawsuit, an 11-year-old boy is suing Karma for negligence. Little Johnny G. Shufflebottom, speaking in court th...

Karma Named in First Ever Lawsuit

In a first-of-its-kind lawsuit, an 11-year-old boy is suing Karma for negligence.

Little Johnny G. Shufflebottom, speaking in court through his lawyer, Ken Garoo, claims that Karma, the universal justice-of-last-resort, bankrupted his lemonade stand empire as pay-back for high financial crimes.

Karma claims that Johnny G. swindled millions of dollars from his customers and funnelled it to Pumpkin Island, because he loves Halloween. In an infinity-0 ruling, Karma decided the little boy's reputation and business needed to be destroyed, as per its mission of "what comes around, goes around".

Ken Garoo, Johnny Gs high-priced lawyer, argues that Karma mistook the little boy for Johnny D. Shufflebottom, who stole millions by selling fake Lululemon clothes to seniors. It was hypothesized that Karma confused lemonade with the "lemon" in Lululemon. Ken G. points out that Johnny G. sold lemonade for 25 cents a glass and would have to sell 4.5 million glasses to attain the monies in question. "Johnny Gs bedtime was 8:00 pm. He didn't have time to sell that much product. Besides, he was only saving up for the latest Call of Duty game, which retails for $49.99."

Jess D. Zerts, Karma's lawyer, says that Karma can't make mistakes, and cited Jimmy Hoffa as an example of his excellent work distributing justice. During Karma's testimony, Zerts played Que Sera Sera quietly in the background.

Fate and Irony have been named as co-conspirators.

Karma cannot work during the trial, and it was decided that humans will just have to sort out for themselves who is good and who is bad.

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows: What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight. Maybe ...

Helloooo Newman: Animal Husbandry

Helloooo Newman: Animal Husbandry: What is animal husbandry? Is that like when you marry Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Animal Husbandry

What is animal husbandry? Is that, like, when you marry Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Helloooo Newman: Car Names

Helloooo Newman: Car Names: I can't believe some of the pussy car names they come up with these days. The Nissan Qashqai? What the fuck? The name's from a mou...

Car Names

I can't believe some of the pussy car names they come up with these days.

The Nissan Qashqai? What the fuck? The name's from a mountainous region in Iran where 4 people and 10,000 goats live. Awesome. If you can't afford it, buy the Nissan Death Valley. Or the Dead Sea, uses water bags instead of air bags.

The Maxima? Was MaxiPad taken?

I really want to buy a Nissan Cube. Comes with a free Rubik's Cube. Drives like one, too.

The Kia Cadenza? Is that named after a musical cadenza, which means an improvised musical passage. Did they improvise the making of this car?

Chevrolet has two called the Bold and the Volt. The Dolt is still in the works.

 The Subaru Impreza was suppose to be the Impregnate, but it didn't rate well in focus groups.

Here's two I would build.

The Ram Syphilis. Goes from zero to your doctor's office in one alcohol-fueled night.

The Nissan Husbandfinder. Drives up the elevator shaft and right into the hotel room where your hubby is banging the secretary.

Helloooo Newman: Rape and Pillage

Helloooo Newman: Rape and Pillage: Yesterday, as I was drying my Neti Pot, I leafed through a book on the Middle Ages. Raping and pillaging – that's it. That's the ...

Rape and Pillage

Yesterday, as I was drying my Neti Pot, I leafed through a book on the Middle Ages. Raping and pillaging – that's it. That's the entire Middle Ages, in between eating and sleeping. And they always went hand-in-hand. Rape, pillage, repeat.

Genghis Kahn and his band of Mongol marauders raped and pillaged as they swept through Europe.

But what about that lone Mongol who didn't quite fit in? For him, raping and pillaging didn't always go hand-on-hand.

Altan: Hey, Chuluun, me and the guys have been talking and, well, you're not pillaging enough.

Chuluun: Excuse me? I turn my back to pee and you're already gossiping?

Altan: Chill, man. It's just a little marauding feedback. Your raping is excellent. Very strong on the rape. There's a lot of talk about your pussy grab in Europe. But where's the pillaging? You can't let the pillaging go.

Chuluun: Why not? Who cares?

Altan: Raping and Pillaging – it's on all our swag. You know what that cost? You gotta make time for some pillaging. It makes us look weak if you don't.

Chuluun: I have enough shit, man. I can barely move around my goddamn grass hut. My wife says "NO MORE". Thinks I have a problem with hoarding.

Altan: Listen, I know it's a drag having to go hut-to-hut and take stuff. Some of the shit people keep is amazing. I have 4,000 letter openers. I don't get that much mail, man. Just take the crap and have a hut sale later. You can mark the stuff way up.

Chuluun: Oh, alright. So I'm not a hoarder?

Altan: Of course not. You're just doing your job.

Chuluun: No more ashtrays, though. I have ashtrays coming out my gutuls.

Helloooo Newman: Non Event

Helloooo Newman: Non Event: The Weather Channel has issued a warning that today's rain event will be followed tomorrow by a non event . Non events occur w...

Non Event

The Weather Channel has issued a warning that today's rain event will be followed tomorrow by a non event.

Non events occur when the all the atmospheric forces sit on their assess and do nothing. The best way to deal with a non event is to pretend it doesn't exist. During this period, many, many things will not happen. Try not to discuss the non event, but if you feel the need to, do it in a way that doesn't refer directly to the non event, such as saying, "Jesus, this street meat is tasty."

Non events are caused by climate change, obviously. Thankfully they are rare, as they lead to the human race having nothing to talk or worry about, leading to species suicide.

Above is a picture of a non event.

Stay safe.

Helloooo Newman: Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Book Club: Looking forward to my books on tape club.

Book Club

Looking forward to my books on tape club.

Helloooo Newman: Thinking Out Loud

Helloooo Newman: Thinking Out Loud: Oh boy, what a silly phrase. "Ya know, I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe I should have the linguine instead of the pot pie.&...

Thinking Out Loud

Oh boy, what a silly phrase.

"Ya know, I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe I should have the linguine instead of the pot pie."

You're not thinking out loud. You're talking. It requires a very simple description. Your mouth is moving and words are coming out. Doesn't need a new and fancy label.

If that kind of talking is called "thinking out loud", then that suggests the other times you're talking, you aren't thinking. It's just babble, which often happens too.

Keep it simple. You're either talking or you aren't. Hopefully it's accompanied by some thinking.

I mean, I'm just writing out loud here.

Helloooo Newman: Poop Reads

Helloooo Newman: Poop Reads: There's lots of reasons I'd love to be a dog, the biggest one being they don't have to work. Most of them don't, anyway. I&#...

Poop Reads

There's lots of reasons I'd love to be a dog, the biggest one being they don't have to work. Most of them don't, anyway. I'm not sure I could be a drug sniffing dog, with my penchant for getting sinus infections. "Ah, I'm not sure if there's drugs in that bag, boss, but there's definitely some Claritin."

The thing I would miss the most about being human, if I were a dog, is that I couldn't read a magazine while pooping. I learn so much during this valuable reading time. Clearly the position that dogs must assume to do their business doesn't allow for holding a magazine, or turning pages.

Oh, and I couldn't read. That's a stumbling block too.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Can I use my air miles to get into Heaven?

Thoughty Thoughts

Can I use my air miles to get into Heaven?

Helloooo Newman: Synchronized Swimming

Helloooo Newman: Synchronized Swimming: I joined a synchronized swimming team, but I only participate on the third Tuesday of each month, only when it's partly cloudy out and o...

Synchronized Swimming

I joined a synchronized swimming team, but I only participate on the third Tuesday of each month, only when it's partly cloudy out and only if Tom hanks is booked for a colonoscopy that day. I call it idiosynchronized swimming.

Helloooo Newman: Job or Career

Helloooo Newman: Job or Career: When you get a blowjob from a professional hooker, isn't it more than a job? Isn't it really a blowcareer?

Job or Career

When you get a blowjob from a professional hooker, isn't it more than a job?

Isn't it really a blowcareer?

Helloooo Newman: Which Came First?

Helloooo Newman: Which Came First?: Which came first… The divorce or the lawyer The car or fuzzy dice Canada or Tim Hortons Sex or the cigarette (for women) Sex or the na...

Which Came First?

Which came first…

The divorce or the lawyer
The car or fuzzy dice
Canada or Tim Hortons
Sex or the cigarette (for women)
Sex or the nap (for men)
Children or the chicken finger
The second floor or the set of stairs
The floor or the ceiling
The donut or the cop
The name Maria or the cleaning lady
Barf bags or Vin Diesel's acting
The alarm clock or the job
The boss or the wife
The wife or the performance review
Extra-marital affairs or the mailman
?

Helloooo Newman: The Terminator: Canine

Helloooo Newman: The Terminator: Canine: I'll be bahking

The Terminator: Canine

I'll be bahking

Helloooo Newman: Dogspeare

Helloooo Newman: Dogspeare: What a piece of work is dog. How noble in stature. How infinite in its appetite. In form. In chewing the remote. How infuriating and should ...

Dogspeare

What a piece of work is dog. How noble in stature. How infinite in its appetite. In form. In chewing the remote. How infuriating and should I muzzle him? In chasing the raccoon, how like an angel. In actually catching the raccoon, how like a suck. The paragon of pets. And yet to me, what is this quintessence of feces?

Helloooo Newman: Square Roots

Helloooo Newman: Square Roots: I'm starting a new trendy clothing store. It's called Square Roots.  The quality is the square root of what you paid.

Square Roots

I'm starting a new trendy clothing store. It's called Square Roots. 

The quality is the square root of what you paid.

Helloooo Newman: Weddings

Helloooo Newman: Weddings: My wife and I aren't into big weddings.  At one point, neither of us was invited to our own wedding.

Weddings

My wife and I aren't into big weddings. 

At one point, neither of us was invited to our own wedding.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Shouldn't we only call it an elevator when it's going up ? It's elevating you. When it's going down, it's a lowervator ...

Thoughty Thoughts

Shouldn't we only call it an elevator when it's going up? It's elevating you. When it's going down, it's a lowervator.

Same with escalator. When you're going down, you are on a deescalator. You are deescalating. If you're in a fight and going up an escalator, can we say the fight is escalating? By the time you reach the top it turns into a shooting match. Better get on the deescalator fast.

It's two thousand degrees out, my fillings are sweating, and I'm wondering where the term air conditioning originated.

It makes no sense.

Are we really conditioning the air? Is that like hair conditioner? Oooh, this air is so smooth. So much body.

If conditioning the air means making it comfortable for our needs, then wouldn't heating it also be air conditioning? When it's winter?

No. We use a heater to heat. We don't use a colder to cool down.

We don't call it an air heater. An oven isn't a food heater.

But when we want a hot shower, suddenly we have a water heater.

Freezer is an honest name. It freezes things. When we want to thaw things, we use a…microwave oven. Not a thawer.

So we can't call an air conditioner an air cooler. But when we buy a 6-pack of beer, we don't put it in an air conditioner. We put it in a cooler. A beer cooler. Not a beer conditioner.

I'm so meticulous, it's ridiculous.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: How come a stiff drink softens me up, tightening the screws loosens my resolve, and sharpening my wit dulls the pain?

Thoughty Thoughts

How come a stiff drink softens me up, tightening the screws loosens my resolve, and sharpening my wit dulls the pain?

Helloooo Newman: Transitioning

Helloooo Newman: Transitioning: I just found out my glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud of them. They always felt…female.

Transitioning

I just found out my glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud of them.

They always felt…female.

Helloooo Newman: Best Foot Forward

Helloooo Newman: Best Foot Forward: They tell me to put my best foot forward , but I can't tell which foot that is. I've examined them closely. They look the same. I ...

Best Foot Forward

They tell me to put my best foot forward, but I can't tell which foot that is.

I've examined them closely. They look the same. I think they have the same IQ, in terms of walking ability. I can balance easily on one or the other, except after 4 or 5 Jägermeister. I'm usually trying to balance on my head by that time.

By the way, I sure as hell need a pedicure.

I tried putting both feet forward at the same time. Two feet are better than one, right?

Fell on my ass. Can I just put my best chair forward, with me sitting in it?

Helloooo Newman: Freezer Burn

Helloooo Newman: Freezer Burn: There are two reasons I would not freeze myself (cryogenics), to be woken up far in the future when they find a cure for my illness. Firs...

Freezer Burn

There are two reasons I would not freeze myself (cryogenics), to be woken up far in the future when they find a cure for my illness.

First, the world is getting more fucked up, not less. Why the hell would I stick myself in the frozen food section and wake up to a even more rancid, rotting, spoiled piece of old blood-pudding-of-a-world?

More importantly, would I get freezer burn? You know how hard I work on my complexion? I just pulled a steak out of my freezer that was in stasis for 6 months. My God, what the hell is that, I thought. Will I end up looking like this…um… meat? It looked like a cross between Gene Simmons' tongue and Marilyn Manson's smile.

Paul, you smell like dead fish fart soup. Go back to the grave.

Helloooo Newman: Room for Milk

Helloooo Newman: Room for Milk: I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for breast milk. I ordered two coffees at Starbucks and asked the guy to l...

Room for Milk

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for breast milk.

I ordered two coffees at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room in one of them for ketamine.

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and asked the guy to leave room for UN peacekeepers.

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks. Then I asked very loudly for a second cup. Can I have a Second cup. Second cup, please. Then I pretended I saw my friend Tim and yelled out his name. Tim Horton. Tim Horton. Hey Tim Horton. Nice to see you.

Helloooo Newman: Prenatal

Helloooo Newman: Prenatal: I support prenatal spanking.

Prenatal

I support prenatal spanking.

Helloooo Newman: Staples

Helloooo Newman: Staples: I went into a Staples and asked where the EpiPens were. Can I get those in a sharpie?

Staples

I went into a Staples and asked where the EpiPens were. Can I get those in a sharpie?

Helloooo Newman: Not Selling Like Hotcakes

Helloooo Newman: Not Selling Like Hotcakes: If I write a book and it sells 3 copies, obviously you can't say it's selling like hotcakes. But what is it selling like? Like dog...

Not Selling Like Hotcakes

If I write a book and it sells 3 copies, obviously you can't say it's selling like hotcakes.

But what is it selling like? Like dog shit in a bag? That's it. I can't give that stuff away.

Helloooo Newman: Family Tree

Helloooo Newman: Family Tree: I researched my family tree and found out it's a Foxglove weed.

Family Tree

I researched my family tree and found out it's a Foxglove weed.

Helloooo Newman: One or Two Virgins

Helloooo Newman: One or Two Virgins: Does Heaven ever run out of virgins? God (Allah) must have trouble meeting the demand. Think of how many terrorists have been killed sinc...

One or Two Virgins

Does Heaven ever run out of virgins?

God (Allah) must have trouble meeting the demand. Think of how many terrorists have been killed since 9/11, and each one gets 72 virgins all to himself. Do the math. The numbers are staggering. Where do they all come from? Just how old are they? (disgusted face)

A woman can only be a virgin once, as I understand it. Unless Putin hacks their vagina and erases their virginity. Then posts it to Facebook. Status: previously pristine.

I was kind of hoping I could visit a virgin or two when I get to Heaven. I'll be single, since "til death do us part" means once I die I'm no longer married. I won't sacrifice myself for Allah, mostly because there's no way I could handle 72 virgins. I'll be asleep half way through the second one.

So one or two is good. Can I order now?

Helloooo Newman: God's Country

Helloooo Newman: God's Country: I've never understood the phrase "God's Country" . "This land is God's country." Why is it always located ...

God's Country

I've never understood the phrase "God's Country".

"This land is God's country." Why is it always located in the country?

You never hear, "This is God's city." "This is God's condo. He lives on floor 120000001, overlooking humanity." In the evenings, He and his son lift the entire universe in the weight room and then walk on the pool water, all conveniently included in the low condo fees of $1 billion per year. No wonder churches need money.

Later they order pizza but it never arrives. The elevators are down. There's only a stairway to Heaven and the pizza man dies of exhaustion on the way.

It's impossible to get pizza delivery in the country, God. You can get some good banjo lessons. And you know what else is hard to find? Hookers. Impossible. Too much square mileage. I've never seen a hooker standing on the side of a highway. The city's loaded with them. I can have four of them in your condo tub before you can change the water into wine.

And why aren't you out there farming your land? Get your lazy son to build something. He's a carpenter, right? And he's not really busy these days, you know what I mean? Like, always skipping the second coming.

Most people live in cities, God. By the year 2085, 200% of the world's population will live in them.

Dear God: It's time you got out and stretched your omnipotence. Please consider cities.

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Pillows: What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight. Maybe ...

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: Have they banned tank tops for old men yet?

Thoughty Thoughts

Have they banned tank tops for old men yet?

Throwing Pillows

What the hell is a throw pillow? Is it a pillow you throw out? Or do you throw it at someone. I would call that a pillow fight.

Maybe it's a pillow that throws a good punch. The Ali/Frazier Collection. Knocks you out for the night.

In any event, it's a pillow that spends its life on the sofa, so who cares how it got there? "Ya, that pillow I threw onto the sofa 12 years ago. It hasn't moved since."

"And this other pillow?"

"That one was gently placed there. Don't use it. It's delicate."

Helloooo Newman: Your Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Your Thoughts: I wonder what it costs for someone's thoughts these days. Especially with the penny no longer in existence. Whatever it costs, I can&#...

Your Thoughts

I wonder what it costs for someone's thoughts these days. Especially with the penny no longer in existence.

Whatever it costs, I can't afford to care what other people think.

Helloooo Newman: Escalators

Helloooo Newman: Escalators: Sometimes I wish escalators had more than one entrance on them. You know, for those times when I'm walking up 300 stairs and half way I ...

Escalators

Sometimes I wish escalators had more than one entrance on them. You know, for those times when I'm walking up 300 stairs and half way I realize, "Fuck, I'm really tired and sweaty. What a mistake this was. Should I keep going, or go back down and start alllll over again on the escalator?"

Meanwhile, people hum smoothly by me, smiling. Not sweating.

It would be nice if I could change my mind and hop on at a moments notice. Like on a subway. "I think I'll use these doors today. Wait a minute. I've never gotten on down there. That was a nice change."

I think when I approach an escalator, I have trouble committing to it. "Well, I'd like to get some exercise, but my legs are exhausted from sitting all day. Okay, its the escalator. I'll walk in my sleep."

Helloooo Newman: Pee and Poo

Helloooo Newman: Pee and Poo: I've noticed that Newman has a different relationship with pee and poo than I do. His criteria in dealing with it is…shall we say…less s...

Pee and Poo

I've noticed that Newman has a different relationship with pee and poo than I do. His criteria in dealing with it is…shall we say…less stringent? No. Not as well thought out.

Case in point. When Newman pees, he lifts his leg. This tells me that he thinks peeing on himself is gross. Otherwise he would just pee and save energy with the lift. It's smart. Makes sense. I completely agree with him about the pee.

Then, after keeping himself pee-free, he turns around and eats a piece of his own crap. What the hell is that? How does that fit with the "pee is gross" behaviour? It's completely contradictory.

I put pee and poo on pretty much the same level. I don't want either on me, even if it's in a sex game.

The sad fact is I'll never really get Newman. But I don't get my wife either, so…

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: I've never subscribed to the "if you want me to achieve something, tell me I can't do it" school of successful behaviour....

Thoughty Thoughts

I've never subscribed to the "if you want me to achieve something, tell me I can't do it" school of successful behaviour.

When someone tells me I can't do something, I say fuck it, they're probably right. So I won't do it. Saves time. It's easier. I can nap longer. If they say I can do it, I say fuck it, they're probably wrong. So I won't do it. Saves time. It's easier. I can nap longer.



I wonder if men who wear a toupee in public really think they're fooling anyone. When I turn the corner in a supermarket and see one, I think, hey, you might as well have a penis sewn to your forehead. Toss the toupees, you old farts.

Helloooo Newman: Hot Thought

Helloooo Newman: Hot Thought: It's freakishly hot summers like this when I'm reminded of that  one great chance I had to become a roofer. And I missed it...

Hot Thought

It's freakishly hot summers like this when I'm reminded of that 

one great chance I had to become a roofer.

And I missed it.

Helloooo Newman: Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.

Helloooo Newman: Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.: I wonder how long we will use "Einstein" as a way to denote someone who's really smart, or who thinks he's really smar...

Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you.

I wonder how long we will use "Einstein" as a way to denote someone who's really smart, or who thinks he's really smart?

"Well, you're a real Einstein, aren't you."

It's mostly used sarcastically, or sardonically, or maybe ironically, could be facetiously (see also mordant, acerbic, trenchant…). I get those words mixed up all the time. Me not Einstein. For me? "Well, you're a real Julius Kelp, aren't you."

The days of using "Einstein" are numbered, I think. I don't know a single teenager who recalls the name. The closest they get is some remnant memory of an old guy sticking his tongue out. I'm convinced that's the way Einstein wanted to be remembered.

"Hawking". That seems to be the next logical replacement. "Well, you're a real Hawking, aren't you." I know. It rolls off the tongue like a spitball. Not ready for primetime.

Maybe it's time for a woman to have this illustrious spot in popular conversation. My favourite female physicist (yes, I have a list of favourite physicists) is Lisa Randall. She can string me along for hours talking string theory.

"Well, you're a real Randall, aren't you." I'm using it. I can deal with all the blank stares I'll get.

Next, we'll update "No shit, Sherlock".

Helloooo Newman: Organized

Helloooo Newman: Organized: Sometimes I wish I had joined organized crime, organized religion or organized labour when I was young. I'd be much more organized as an...

Organized

Sometimes I wish I had joined organized crime, organized religion or organized labour when I was young. I'd be much more organized as an adult.

Helloooo Newman: Bach in Time

Helloooo Newman: Bach in Time: JS Bach I'm sure ya'll heard of JS Bach, the "boss" classical composer. But did you know his family tree is a long li...

Bach in Time

JS Bach

I'm sure ya'll heard of JS Bach, the "boss" classical composer. But did you know his family tree is a long list of talented and successful musicians?

Here they are:
JA Bach (the father)
CPE Bach
JS Bach
JC Bach
WF Bach
JCF Bach
JM Bach

All geniuses in their own right. Plus, they loved to use initials.

I don't think there's been as talented a family, save for the Kardashians.

There's an uncanny resemblance between JS and KK, don't you think?

Helloooo Newman: Alexa. Please!

Helloooo Newman: Alexa. Please!: Alexa. Dim the sun and lower the fucking temperature, please.

Alexa. Please!

Alexa. Dim the sun and lower the fucking temperature, please.

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts

Helloooo Newman: Thoughty Thoughts: If I were a mosquito, instead of risking my life and biting humans, I would bite a mosquito that has already bitten a human. I'd go righ...

Thoughty Thoughts

If I were a mosquito, instead of risking my life and biting humans, I would bite a mosquito that has already bitten a human. I'd go right for that fat belly of blood. It's a great idea. I'm surprised no mosquito has thought of it.



Forget the Turing Test. The best way to tell if a machine has reached human sentience is to program it to be happy, and then it says, "Fuck happy. I'm not doing happy today. Have you read the news lately? You be happy. I'm pissed."



It's too hot to feel hot.

Helloooo Newman: Fony English

Helloooo Newman: Fony English: I can't stand it when people substitute one letter for another, like K for C , because it sounds the same. It's so cutesy. And wr...

Fony English

I can't stand it when people substitute one letter for another, like K for C, because it sounds the same.

It's so cutesy. And wrong.

The Kutting Krew is a company in my neighbourhood.

Please, just phuck oph with that nonsense.

Helloooo Newman: It Doesn't Owe You Anything

Helloooo Newman: It Doesn't Owe You Anything: I lent my coffee maker $200 today. That way, when it breaks and someone says, "Throw it out, it doesn't owe you anything", I...

It Doesn't Owe You Anything

I lent my coffee maker $200 today.

That way, when it breaks and someone says, "Throw it out, it doesn't owe you anything", I can say, "Yes it does, it owes me $200 plus interest plus compensation for several months worth of bad coffee."

Helloooo Newman: The Giant

Helloooo Newman: The Giant: I'm reading Awaken the Giant Within . I think I have a giant within me, and it needs to wake up and get out of my body. That explai...

The Giant

I'm reading Awaken the Giant Within.

I think I have a giant within me, and it needs to wake up and get out of my body. That explains all the arthritis I have. The giant is pressing against my joints, stretching my muscles, and occasionally ripping a pair of underwear. I wish he were a little smaller, but that's how it goes with giants.

The only problem is I don't know what kind of a giant he is. Is he a mean giant that will stomp on tall buildings and eat people? Or is he the jolly version? Maybe he's green.

I'm a little confused about the cover, too. It tells me to take immediate control of my destiny. If it's my destiny, why do I have to take control of it? That's destiny's job. He's the driver, and he's a Tesla. I'm just the passenger.

Do your job, destiny. I'm waiting.

Helloooo Newman: The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer

Helloooo Newman: The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer: If you've ever murdered someone, I bet this question has crossed your mind. Why do we have a separate category for murderers called th...

The Lukewarm-Blooded Killer

If you've ever murdered someone, I bet this question has crossed your mind.

Why do we have a separate category for murderers called the "cold-blooded killer"?

Is there really any other kind? You can be named a cold-blooded killer or you can kill someone in a cold-blooded fashion. This revolves around the level of enjoyment with which you kill. If you are downright gleeful after a murder spree, attend and enjoy a baby shower later that day, and have an awesome sleep with your favourite stuffed animal that night, you are cold-blooded.

If you murder someone and find it's not quite your bailiwick; if you get a little down afterwards and cancel your pilates class; perhaps a little spittle comes up from feeling sick about it, that's entirely normal, for you. You are not cold-blooded.

You are…a lukewarm-blooded killer?

The lukewarm-blooded killer strikes again. He doesn't really enjoy killing. He's rather lukewarm about the whole thing. It's just that he's so good at it.

He never brags about his work. Never mentions his murder stats, even though if he were in sales with those numbers, he'd get the set of steak knives every time. In fact, he prefers volunteers to hunting down unsuspecting victims. It's kinder.

After a typical murder, he'll toss and turn in bed for a week, racked with guilt. Doesn't take any trophies. He'd rather just beat people up, but he's not good at boxing.

Read the book. In Lukewarm Blood.