Wednesday 29 November 2017

Stonehenge Deciphered


The last thing people who study Stonehenge want you to think is that the structure represents a completely mundane, ordinary activity. If you start thinking that, they are out of a job.

The job of figuring out what Stonehenge means is very similar to real estate, or stocks. It's all about speculation.

"I think Stonehenge is an ancient celestial observatory. That will be 1 million dollars, please."

Tv special after tv special make all kinds of crazy guesses. That's the beauty of studying ancient stuff. Who the hell knows?

My guess? It was a public washroom. Maybe the world's first, which is something to brag about, for sure. Plus they invented the individual stall, by standing up all those massive boulders.

My proof? People still use it as a washroom, which is why it's roped off to the public.

Maybe when the people from Easter Island came visiting, they expected to relieve themselves on some huge-ass rock. Reminded them of home.

My runner-up guess is a kind of pre-Jenga game. You know, before miniaturization came along. It took years to shrink the radio and put it in a car, or turn the telephone into an iPhone. Same with the board game. The big difference was if you lose the game, you get crushed to death.

The experts say it would have been really stupid to move those huge rocks around unless it were for some glorious, grand reason.

Really? First of all, everything was huge back then. Pyramids, plagues, empires.

Plus, we do all kinds of stupid things these days. Wouldn't it be entirely normal that people way back did stupid things too?

"You did what? Drag 10,000-pound boulders 100 miles to make a washroom? Just dig a hole, dude."