Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm having a garage sale for all my sunscreen.

Musings and Woes

I'm having a garage sale for all my sunscreen.

Helloooo Newman: Handsomely Paid

Helloooo Newman: Handsomely Paid: The good thing about being handsome is that you are handsomely paid at work.

Handsomely Paid

The good thing about being handsome is that you are handsomely paid at work.

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Turning

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Turning: These days I base my daily routine on how long I can keep my stomach flat.

Stomach Turning

These days I base my daily routine on how long I can keep my stomach flat.

Helloooo Newman: Street Smarts

Helloooo Newman: Street Smarts: Someday I am going to drive along every street in this city that doesn't have holes in it that are being dug up, filled in, dug up, ...

Street Smarts

Someday I am going to drive along every street in this city that doesn't have holes in it that are being dug up, filled in, dug up, filled in and dug up, filled in.

And once I drive those 3 streets, I am going to sell my car and buy some Tesla Rollerblades.

Helloooo Newman: Fudge Off

Helloooo Newman: Fudge Off: How come we have a term for people who swear uncontrollably – Tourettes – but not for people who uncontrollably do not swear? I don&#3...

Fudge Off

How come we have a term for people who swear uncontrollably – Tourettes – but not for people who uncontrollably do not swear?

I don't trust people who can't swear. It's a basic human instinct that needs to be satisfied. Even before we had language, people needed to swear.

My grandmother never swore. Maybe people who uncontrollably do not swear have grandmothers syndrome.

Fuck, I'm smart.

Helloooo Newman: Mirror, Mirror

Helloooo Newman: Mirror, Mirror: Physicists theorize a mirror universe with a mirror you:  http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/physicists-propose-a-mirror-universe-where-tim...

Mirror, Mirror

Physicists theorize a mirror universe with a mirror you: http://bigthink.com/philip-perry/physicists-propose-a-mirror-universe-where-time-moves-in-the-opposite-direction?utm_campaign=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#link_time=1498178035

Evidence suggests if you break the mirror universe, we all have 7 billion years of bad luck.

So please, be careful out there.

Helloooo Newman: Opposing Thumbs

Helloooo Newman: Opposing Thumbs: I don't think my thumbs are opposing thumbs. They actually approve of everything, including gay marriage, feminism, and equal pay f...

Opposing Thumbs

I don't think my thumbs are opposing thumbs. They actually approve of everything, including gay marriage, feminism, and equal pay for chimps.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm looking for my dream job — which is to sleep and dream. If I worked checkout at a grocery store, I would take the 0-0 items la...

Musings and Woes

I'm looking for my dream job — which is to sleep and dream.

If I worked checkout at a grocery store, I would take the 0-0 items lane.

Helloooo Newman: The Meaning of Life

Helloooo Newman: The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of Life

Searching for the meaning of life, when it's right in front of you.

Helloooo Newman: Hammerheads

Helloooo Newman: Hammerheads: What about those hammerhead sharks. Was evolution on vacation when they were created? I know that eyes really close together denotes la...

Hammerheads

What about those hammerhead sharks. Was evolution on mat leave when they were created?

I know that eyes really close together denotes lack of intelligence, and looks weird, but this is outlandish. By the time the hammerhead's brain realizes its eyes saw dinner, that dinner is a frozen fish stick in your freezer.

That's probably why a hammerhead has never been observed reading. When it reads, it stores the words in its eyes, swims around, and then when the words reach the brain a few months later, it says, "Wow, that was a great book. Maybe it deserves a second read."

I'm trying to imagine what a hammerhead does when his eyesight goes. What kind of frames would it choose? Ugly frames. I'm guessing bifocals are the way to go.

At some point, the hammerhead scolded evolution, "Listen, if you can't make us look like a regular shark, maybe it's time we die out. Please, kill us off before you make our head longer."

Imagine being a shark born to look like Marty Feldman. Not pleasant.

Helloooo Newman: Sperm Bank

Helloooo Newman: Sperm Bank: I don't know why any man would keep his sperm in a bank, with the lousy interest rates these days. Even with a mutual fund, profits...

Sperm Bank

I don't know why any man would keep his sperm in a bank, with the lousy interest rates these days.

Even with a mutual fund, profits could sag, although both are better than keeping it in a safe or under the mattress.

(OMG. He's talking about sperm. He must really need clicks.)

You've worked hard for your sperm to grow your nest egg. So make your sperm work hard for you.

I have mine in high performing stocks that love to beat inflation every time — with a whip, if available. Hooters is a particular favourite. Also check out Spanx — very good P/E ratio.

(This is flat out porn. Is it too late to get my money back on this site?)

Keep in mind that the biggest danger to growing your sperm, so you can enjoy a comfortable life, is deflation. Deflation is a party killer. Left unattended, you can't withdraw any sperm from your stock.

Please don't try this at home, by yourself. Not without the proper fistcal knowledge, like I have.

Helloooo Newman: Cola Wars

Helloooo Newman: Cola Wars: Product placement here I avoided the Coke vs Pepsi taste test. I always fail pop quizzes.

Cola Wars

Product placement here

I avoided the Coke vs Pepsi taste test.
I always fail pop quizzes.

(please groan loudly)

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps: I typed a web address into Google Maps and it told me to take the  Information Highway until it ends.

Google Maps

I typed a web address into Google Maps and it told me to take the 

Information Highway until it ends.

Helloooo Newman: Kidnapping

Helloooo Newman: Kidnapping: I'm thinking I might get started in kidnapping. Only because napping is involved.

Helloooo Newman: Kidnapping

Helloooo Newman: Kidnapping: I'm thinking I might get started in kidnapping. Only because napping is involved.

Kidnapping

I'm thinking I might get started in kidnapping. Only because napping is involved.

Helloooo Newman: Progeria

Helloooo Newman: Progeria: I tell people I have Progeria. I know, it's not a term often served with martinis and salmon pinwheels on the cocktail circuit. Y...

Progeria

I tell people I have Progeria.

I know, it's not a term often served with martinis and salmon pinwheels on the cocktail circuit.

You have what? Did you just sneeze? Do I have it now? Please tell me I don't have it, too.

What I have is the reverse aging disease — young people who show early signs of aging.

That's what I tell them, anyway. It's the perfect explanation for looking old, but still being young. Like me.

"How old are you these days, Paul?"

"I am 35 actual, in real time passed, years old."

That's how I say it. I quote the actual time that has passed, because how old I look confuses them.

So far everyone seems to buy it.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I tried to make today my bitch, but it just pooped all over me.

Musings and Woes

I tried to make today my bitch, but it just pooped all over me.

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Weather: Black and blue storm clouds here. God is about to express his anal glands.

Stormy Weather

Black and blue storm clouds here. God is about to express his anal glands.

Helloooo Newman: No Loitering

Helloooo Newman: No Loitering: They need to hang a "No Loitering" sing on the web.

No Loitering

They need to hang a "No Loitering" sign on the web.

Helloooo Newman: Horsefly

Helloooo Newman: Horsefly: FUCK. There are too many horseflies at the cottage. But you know what they say. When you fall off the horsefly, you get right back on.

Horsefly

FUCK. There are too many horseflies at the cottage. But you know what they say. When you fall off the horsefly, you get right back on.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: There was a time in my life when people would scratch my back and I wouldn't scratch theirs back. I'm not sure why. I knew it was w...

Musings and Woes

There was a time in my life when people would scratch my back and I wouldn't scratch theirs back. I'm not sure why. "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" meant nothing to me. I knew it was wrong, but I refused. Bless those people who continued to scratch my back even when they knew I wouldn't reciprocate. Even when my back wasn't particularly itchy, they scratched. They stuck with me. Nowadays I'll scratch your back before you scratch mine. Humbling. I guess we all make mistakes in our youth.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'd like to think I'm a handy guy, but boy, even the simplest tasks seem like rocket surgery to me.

Musings and Woes

I'd like to think I'm a handy guy, but boy, even the simplest tasks seem like rocket surgery to me.

Helloooo Newman: Comparing Apples and Oranges

Helloooo Newman: Comparing Apples and Oranges: Months ago I made the tragic mistake of comparing apples to oranges. Things have turned into a fruit fight in my house. I was eating a ...

Comparing Apples and Oranges

Months ago I made the tragic mistake of comparing apples to oranges. Things have turned into a fruit fight in my house.

Truth be told, my wife warned me. "You should compare apples to apples."

I was eating a red delicious, and said, quite innocently, "Mmmmmm, delicious apple. Sometimes oranges are so messy to eat."

That's all I said. More of an observation than a criticism, really. "Delicious" is the name of the apple, for goodness sake.

Clearly, I bought very sensitive oranges. They went ballistic. A mandarin shot two pits, aiming for my eyes, I quickly turned my head and they sunk into my ear canal. I hear the Tropicana jingle all day.

The apples defended me. That's when the apples and oranges went at it. Frazier and Ali.

"I just want to go the distance", huffed the apple. He looked like apple sauce. The orange was beaten to a pulp.

You know me. I love painting still life fruit. I can't get the apples to stay in the same kitchen with the oranges, let alone hold still in a fruit bowl.

Speaking of fruit bowls, I served one at a summer party. Not pretty. The apples attacked right in the bowl, without warning. Fruit juice bleeding everywhere. The oranges used the bananas as fruit shields. The pomegranate crawled out, refugees in the slaw.

Jesus! Do NOT compare apples and oranges.

Helloooo Newman: Breedism

Helloooo Newman: Breedism: Are dogs aware of their breed? Can a doberman think, "Shit, where are all the pinscher's in this country? We're letting in...

Breedism

Are dogs aware of their breed?

Can a doberman think, "Shit, where are all the pinscher's in this country? We're letting in too many French Poodles. Snobs. Can't even put ketchup on my food around them."

I wonder if a pug sees a bulldog and thinks, "Sure, he looks like me, but make no mistake, bulldogs are lazy slobs that don't work and abuse their puppies."

"I'm voting for a pug next year."

Is there really any difference between a pug and a bulldog? Aren't they just different sizes of the same squashed face?

They are different BREEDS.

This would make dogs racist – or breedist.

Abraham Lincoln famously said, "Achievement has no breed."

Okay, he said "colour" instead of "breed", and he was talking about people.

But still, it gives breedist dogs something to think about.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The best thing about walking dogs is that I'm not walking people.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The best thing about walking dogs is that I'm not walking people.

Musings and Woes

The best thing about walking dogs is that I'm not walking people.

Helloooo Newman: Judgey

Helloooo Newman: Judgey: I'm trying really hard to stop judging people. I mean, shit, I failed law school, so who am I to judge people.

Helloooo Newman: Judgey

Helloooo Newman: Judgey: I'm trying really hard to stop judging people. I mean, shit, I failed law school, so who am I to judge people.

Judgey

I'm trying really hard to stop judging people. I mean, shit, I failed law school, so who am I to judge people.

I've definitely stopped convicting people and sentencing them to death.

Helloooo Newman: Neither Here nor There

Helloooo Newman: Neither Here nor There: One of my favourite conversation devices is, "That's neither here nor there" . I use it all the time when I'm fightin...

Neither Here nor There

One of my favourite conversation devices is, "That's neither here nor there".

I use it all the time when I'm fighting with someone, and I start losing the argument. It totally confuses people. It sets them off on a wild goose chase, trying to find where THAT is.

"Oh ya? Well, that's neither here nor there."
(Shit, I'm losing this argument)

People don't even bother trying to define what THAT is? They just start looking for it.

"Come on, man. Where'd you put it?"

"Hey, don't look at me. I just noticed that it's missing."

You say it's neither here nor there? But things can only be here or there, so where is it? When did you lose it? What does it look like?

In the meantime, I'm Googling research so I can win the fight, while they're fumbling around looking for that. And this. They're probably looking for this and that. Over here and over there.

Fools!

HINT: I have no idea where the hell THAT is.

Helloooo Newman: Girlfriends

Helloooo Newman: Girlfriends: I still marvel at the coincidence. Every girl I ever asked out said no, because they were all lesbian. What are the chances? Either that, o...

Girlfriends

I still marvel at the coincidence. Every girl I ever asked out said no, because they were all lesbian. What are the chances? Either that, or they were bye-sexual.

Helloooo Newman: Frequent Flier Points

Helloooo Newman: Frequent Flier Points: I wish I had frequent flier points, like everyone else. I can't afford to go anywhere, so what's the frequent flier point of it? ...

Frequent Flier Points

I wish I had frequent flier points, like everyone else. I can't afford to go anywhere, so what's the frequent flier point of it?

I'm a huge collector of frequent walker points. Every time I walk somewhere, I build up points to… walk even further. For free!

What a fantastic program. I can walk anywhere I want – for FREE.

Do I feel like walking to Australia? No problem. I just start walking. For FREE.

"Hi, I'd like to cash in some walker points to go to Australia."

"No problem, have fun."

It's that easy.

And get this – I can leave anytime I want. No blackout dates. No being down graded to crawling or using crutches. No last-minute cancelling of the walk and being forcibly removed from the sidewalk with a broken jaw, sprained ankles and a public dressing down.

I almost feel guilty that I'm scamming them.

Gotta go. Have my bags packed for Espiritu Santo. My legs leave early in the morning.

I'll write.

Helloooo Newman: Trojan Horse

Helloooo Newman: Trojan Horse: I just finished reading all about the Trojan War. How fascinating. I didn't know they had condoms back then. And to fight over them...

Trojan Horse

I just finished reading all about the Trojan War.

How fascinating. I didn't know they had condoms back then. And to fight over them? It's pretty silly to battle over something you can find in any sleazy public washroom.

And what about the dude that had to wear a trojan the size of a horse. Whoa. Drop yer socks and grab yer cocks – I am so gel-ous.

Helen, his girlfriend, must have been hoppin' on the saddle more than a few times a day.

I feel embarrassed not knowing this history sooner.

Helloooo Newman: Silly String Theory

Helloooo Newman: Silly String Theory: One of the leading theories scientists use to explain the universe is called "String Theory". Physicists figure that everythi...

Silly String Theory

One of the leading theories scientists use to explain the universe is called "String Theory".

Physicists figure that everything at its core is made up of teensey-weensy vibrating strings. They are so small that Donald Trump's humble nature appears gargantuan beside them.

The most recent findings suggest that these strings come from a ginormous can of Silly String. The giant can is located somewhere "out there" and the strings are sprayed around from time to time by "we don't know who, yet."

"It could be God, it could be a bunch of nine-year-olds on summer break", to quote the sort-of famous physicist Brain Greene.

Silly string could also spill out from a series of alternate joke-shop universes.

This finding goes a long way towards explaining why the world is so silly, and why human beings make such silly decisions.

Scientists are also studying the possibility that the earth is really a rolled up ball of that skinny glue strip used to seal some packaging. I love playing with that stuff.

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed: I wonder if it's possible to be just whelmed ? Not over whelmed or under whelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have t...

Whelmed

I wonder if it's possible to be just whelmed. Not overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have to happen to be just whelmed?

Probably nothing.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Days

Helloooo Newman: Dog Days: I envision a world where people stop judging each other by their colour, creed or gender and instead do what dogs do, and judge people by...

Dog Days

I envision a world where people stop judging each other by their colour, creed or gender and instead do what dogs do, and judge people by the smell of their bum.

Helloooo Newman: Rainy Day

Helloooo Newman: Rainy Day: Why are we told to "save for a rainy day"? I do lots more shit when it's sunny outside, and it gets expensive. I eat more...

Rainy Day

Why are we told to "save for a rainy day"?

I do lots more shit when it's sunny outside, and it gets expensive. I eat more shit, drink more shit, buy more shit, eat some more shit…pretty soon I'm shit poor.

I did a cost/benefit analysis of an umbrella versus sunscreen. If you multiply one ray of sunshine by one raindrop, divide by pi and perform a variance analysis with a shot of Jäger, using sunscreen is way more expensive than staying dry on a wet day.

I repeated this analysis over and over until I was shit-faced on Jäger, so the results are very reliable.

Should we be saving for weather? I'd rather save for an earthquake day or a sinkhole day, when my house is swallowed up by the earth. That's when I'll need the Jäger more than ever.

If this old adage is true, I should be able to move to Sao Tome and Principe (highest rainfall in the world) and get rich very quickly. And yet no rich people live there. They live in the nice sunny parts of the world.

Forget about saving for a rainy day. Instead, get adopted by a rich person.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Where does the word "dismantle" come from? It sounds like the opposite of "mantle" , but I've never "mantled&...

Musings and Woes

Where does the word "dismantle" come from? It sounds like the opposite of "mantle", but I've never "mantled" anything together.

"Hey Joe, nice mantling job on that tree house."

"Dismantle" should immediately be dismantled.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Sometimes when I get really excited about something,  it feels like I'm receiving a text message in my loins.

Musings and Woes

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, 

it feels like I'm receiving a text message in my loins.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Nothing is a life and death situation unless you die. It's more likely a life and nuisance or a life and scratched knees situation. You...

Musings and Woes

Nothing is a life and death situation unless you die. It's more likely a life and nuisance or a life and scratched knees situation. You're not dead, so please don't use the phrase.

Why does the Best Actress have a Best Supporting Actress? Shouldn't it be Best Supported Actress?The Best Actress makes way more money.

The Vitamin Air at Whole Foods is awesome. At $12/inhale, it's a bargoon too.