Monday 19 September 2016

I Married My Dog



Newman and I eloped.

What's it like being married to my dog? It's the exact opposite of being married to my wife.

Newman: Paul, come here. What is this?

Me: A toilet.

Newman: And it's clean. Why did you clean the toilet?

Me: Ah, cuz I'm suppose to?

Newman: You know I like drinking from a filthy, stinking bowl, don't you? Remember what we practiced? – NEVER FLUSH. What possessed you?

Me: I'm not sure, I've been trained.

Newman: What else did I tell you?

Me: Never put the…

Newman: That's right. Never put the seat down. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. It makes it too hard to drink.

Me: Habit, I guess.

Newman: What colour is that water?

Me: Clear.

Newman: No, the colour is NOT BROWN. And what is that?

Me: Laundry.

Newman: It's clean. And not only that, it smells fresh. How could you? My special blankie? I've been rolling in that since I was a pup. And now, what colour is that, white? I can't even look at it.

Me: Should I soil it?

Newman: Throw it out. It's useless to me. By the way, where's the garbage?

Me: In the garbage can.

Newman: WHAT? Are you INSANE? I expressly told you to leave it on the floor so I can rummage around. Do you even listen to me? You have no regard for my feelings.

Me: Please stop crying.

Newman: I need a new chew toy. When are we going shoe shopping?

Me: Now.

Okay, in some ways it is similar to my previous marriage.