One of my favourite job ads is the kind that reads: COMPANY CONFIDENTIAL
I apply this way:
Dear Confidential Company,
Hi, my name is…ha, had you going for a bit didn't I? I'd love to give you my name but I'm in the Witness Protection Program and my life is on the line. I have three different biker gangs after me but please don't let that interfere with your hiring decision. I'm one of the good guys and I drive a Prius.
Actually, I can't reveal my name because if certain interested parties in North Korea hack your system and get a hold of my information, my keister is in a sling. I illicitly import Trump Steak to the starving population seeking a find dining experience. I make a killing, but the Unster disapproves.
Here's my resume:
Current Job: Confidential
Work History: Confidential
Skills: Confidential
Everything Else: Confidential
When I get to the interview I will be in disguise, as you can well understand.
Once I am hired, all my information, and my real body, can be revealed.
In the meantime, please let me know if you would like to reveal your name. Usually in circumstances where I am about to get fucked over, like working for someone, I like to have a name. Even when I met a minxish girl one night, chatelaine of a bar called the Lazy Lizard, and she politely requested a one night stand with me, I asked for a name. It was probably a fake name, but it was classier than "hey you."
Sincerely, C.
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