Did you know you can buy Smart Water?
I suspected the tap water I drink was no magna cum liquid, but I didn't think it was dumb, stupid, slow, simple, Gumpish, imbecilic – watered down.
So much so, Helloooo Newman interviewed a bottle of Smart Water.
Newman: Thank you for speaking with us, Mr. Water.
Mr. Water: You can call me Smart.
Newman: A lot of people wonder what makes you smarter than other water. How do you answer them?
Mr. Water: Well, just look at regular water, like toilet water, or water that contains denge fever. You can tell on the first drop that comes out of their mouth.
Newman: Um, okayyyyy. People don't drink that water, but can you be more specific?
Mr. Water: It's the extra oxygen molecule. Dumb water has one oxygen molecule and 2 hydrogen molecules. I have an extra oxygen molecule – more oxygen to my brain. I've always had a real thirst for knowledge.
When I was a kid I always had my hand up first in class. I remember one bottle of dumb water (he was from a tap water family), the teacher asked what water is made of and he answered HbO. Too much binge watching, I guess. He was a few drops short.
Then I was streamed into the gifted program but didn't mix well with other liquids. Got into a scuffle with a really snooty bottle of olive oil. Pummeled him so bad now he just sits in a can at Red Lobster marinating leftover crab meat.
You know, they say Einstein was the man that changed the way we think. I want to change the way we drink.
Newman: It's just hard to imagine water having an I.Q.
Mr. Water: Listen, I'm a hell of a lot smarter than the people who buy me. $2.99 a bottle? What a joke.
Newman: Jennifer Aniston is your spokesperson. What is your situation with her?
Mr. Water: I would say it's very fluid. We're great friends, but sometimes she makes me boiling mad with her demands.
Newman: Any romance there?
Mr. Water: Ha. She talks dirty to me. Told me I make her wet. We took a shower together once. She couldn't find me for days
Newman: Um, I forgot to mention children might be listening.
Mr. Water: Oh, sorry. I'll filter myself.
Newman: I understand you got some acting gigs through Ms. Aniston.
Mr. Water: Yes. I was the rain in Rain Man.
Newman: Hmmm, I don't remember rain in that movie.
Mr. Water: Ya, they cut me out. Bummer. That was a really draining experience.
Newman: Do you drink Smart Water yourself?
Mr. Water: Do I look like a cannibal?
Newman: What's next for you, Smart?
Mr. Water: I might go over Niagara Falls in a bottle. You know, for publicity.
