Helloooo Newman: Apologies to the Fifty Percent

Helloooo Newman: Apologies to the Fifty Percent: Just as I dotted the last pixel on my previous article, I realized my peewee/ice destruction game cannot be enjoyed by 50% of the population...

Apologies to the Fifty Percent

Just as I dotted the last pixel on my previous article, I realized my peewee/ice destruction game cannot be enjoyed by 50% of the population.

I apologize to the fifty percent who are female. I try to be all-inclusive on this blog.

Please don't cancel your free subscription.

This is not Dog Dynasty on A&E! If bestiality beats your drum, then all the best to you.

But worry not, women. They are working wonders with them 3-D printers and perhaps some day you can enjoy a working attachment and play destroy the urinal world.

I could certainly use a bit more 3 for my D (insert Groucho Marx voiceover).

I'll end there.

Helloooo Newman: Intelligent Life Once Lived Here

Helloooo Newman: Intelligent Life Once Lived Here: Whenever I read articles discussing the intelligence of the human race, I notice that writers always default to grand and epic examples of h...

Intelligent Life Once Lived Here

Whenever I read articles discussing the intelligence of the human race, I notice that writers always default to grand and epic examples of how stupid we seem to be.

The human race developed nuclear weapons that can destroy the planet and everyone on it. Stupid!

We developed a strategy called MAD (Mutual Assured Destruction) to ensure we don't destroy ourselves with these weapons. Nuke me and I'll nuke you - na na boo boo. Childish!

We rape the earth of her resources on a daily basis to live a good life, knowing it won't last. In the process we are turning this blue marble in the cosmos into a rather large microwave oven. Insane!

To me, the signs of our insanity are found in much smaller game.

I'm talking, of course, about cable companies. I have one particular company in mind, but I'd prefer not to name it (what the hell – Rogers).

A few weeks back Rogers suddenly, and without warning, vaporized my email account. It just stopped working. The bits and bytes of my account were crushed into bits and bytes and not even useful as party mix. And so my life followed along with it.

I am not a techno-insane wanna be, but I NEED MY EMAIL (emphasis mine!). I am so attached to my, well, attachments. I was hyper about my hyper text.

In terms more redolent of philosophy, I Link, Therefore I Am.

I was angry. Did I mention that already?

I was angry and felt powerless. Case in point. Last night I was at a bar drinking. I went to the urinal to rid my body of some water. Too late for the alcohol. It was fully absorbed into my brain.

Poured into the urinal were these preformed ice cubes. I love when bars do that. I suddenly found myself playing this sick game. The ice was Rogers Headquarters. My pee was slowly and methodically destroying this Headquarters. I would pick a spot, focus my weapon and watch the structure collapse helplessly.

The feeling of power was incredible. Oooo hahahaha. I guess people more in control of their sanity might imagine the ice was the polar cap and the world's fate was, um, in their hands (literally).

I stuck with the cable theme and destroyed the icy infrastructure completely.

Did I get sidetracked? At first, Rogers told me it was regular maintenance on my account. I guess that's okay. I didn't know my email account was an SUV, but I went along with it. Who the hell am I to skip an email oil change?

Then day 4 came along and Rogers realized they couldn't keep using the same bogus excuse.

Their next excuse was a real winner. They had none. The excuse closet was empty. No reason, no timeline for fixing, no responsibility taken, no signs of intelligent life.

This continued for 10 days. Needless to say, I had moved on to gmail. I was proud that I could let go like that and continue with a normal life. No therapy required.

I think my favourite conversation with one of the Rogers' pinheads centred around whose fault all this was. Rogers sells me the Internet, and along with it offers Rogers email. But, the pinhead cogently explained to me, Rogers doesn't support the email if it "breaks".

When they sell it, it's called Rogers email. When it breaks, it's someone else's email company (Yahoo, in this case).

Yahoo, I thought. Human insanity in all its mundane machinations.

Worry not about nuclear war. Focus on the melting ice.