Monday, 5 December 2016

Helloooo Newman: The Perfect Figure

Helloooo Newman: The Perfect Figure: I've always tried to maintain an hour glass figure but have only ever managed a minute glass figure.

The Perfect Figure



I've always tried to maintain an hour glass figure but have only ever managed
a minute plastic figure.



Helloooo Newman: Fake Blog

Helloooo Newman: Fake Blog: Fake news is in the news. Unless the news I've been reading about fake news is fake. I read it on Fakebook. When does real new...

Fake Blog



Fake news is in the news.

Unless the news I've been reading about fake news is fake.

I read it on Fakebook.

When does real news end and fake news begin?

If only it were as easy as spotting fake breasts, fake teeth, fake orgasms and fake hair.

This blog is fake.



Sunday, 4 December 2016

Helloooo Newman: Taiwan On

Helloooo Newman: Taiwan On: Were you as puzzled as I was about the phone call heard around the world? Mr. Trump spoke to the President of Taiwan – over the phone ...

Taiwan On



Were you as puzzled as I was about the phone call heard around the world?

Mr. Trump spoke to the President of Taiwan – over the phone. Soooooo twentieth century.

For China, calls between POTUS and the Taiwanese President constitutes a breach of protocol, mostly because it might turn into phone sex (and then war), and partly because the Chinese need an island to vacation on. After they invade and destroy it, of course.

If China is your body, Taiwan is your baby toe nail.

Don't you think Mr. Trump should have caller I.D.?

"Pssst Don, it's her. Should I tell her you're busy closing a steak deal with Vlad?"

"Naw, I'll take it. Watch me sell some water"

I wonder if they are allowed to text or email. Maybe secret messages in fortune cookies?

I doubt you knew that we live in a world where one country tells another country who they can phone. I sure didn't know.

I call my old girlfriends all the time and my wife complains to no end. That doesn't mean I let her tell me who I can speak to.

What would I do if I were POTUS?

Well, I'm the last guy who wants to piss off China. They have such a proud history of stealing technology and selling human organs on the black market.

Still, if they called to complain about who I phone, I think I would tell them to speak loudly into the old sphincter phone.



Saturday, 3 December 2016

Helloooo Newman: Drunken Decorating

Helloooo Newman: Drunken Decorating: I'm all for tastefully decorating the exterior of one's house at Christmas time. It's just those houses that look like the...

Drunken Decorating



I'm all for tastefully decorating the exterior of one's house at Christmas time.

It's just those houses that look like the owner drank too much of a mixture of food colouring, glass, electricity and wires and then vomited Christmas lights all over their porch.

Please vomit tastefully.

Thank you.



Friday, 2 December 2016

Helloooo Newman: What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?

Helloooo Newman: What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?: I love the idea of dogs in the workplace. Dogs should be in all workplaces. Here's a list of some workplaces where dogs should b...

What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?



I love the idea of dogs in the workplace.

Dogs should be in all workplaces.

Here's a list of some workplaces where dogs should be present:
• your local abattoir
• helicopter tours, in the helicopter
• synchronized swimming lessons, in the pool
• germ labs, sitting quietly beside the tubes of botulism, anthrax and clostridium botulinum
  (botox), very carefully waging his tail
• the International Space Station
• magic shows, with the lady in the box being sawed in half
• in the supreme court, sitting to the left, because all dogs lean to the left (except the American pit
  bull terrier, which leans to the alt right)
• in the cockpits of all planes

In some workplaces there should only be dogs.

Like the White House.

Instead of the White House going to the dogs, dogs should run the White House.



Thursday, 1 December 2016

Helloooo Newman: Food as Food

Helloooo Newman: Food as Food: Why can't food just be food? Instead, the new marketing of food includes the phrase, food as fuel . What the hell does that mean...

Food as Food



Why can't food just be food?

Instead, the new marketing of food includes the phrase, food as fuel.

What the hell does that mean?

Can I put a turkey club in my gas tank and drive to the cottage on it? Hey honey, do you smell bacon and mayo? Are those tomatoes blowing out our vents?

Or can I drink an unleaded gasshake for extra calories?

If food as fuel means that food is good at keeping us alive, that's really big news, isn't it?

I was trying to get off food, but now that I know it's my body's fuel, ya, I'll take those chocolate-covered onion rings please.

How about food is food. It's not magical Harry Potter dust or the answer to all of our problems.

Some food is good food, some food is bad food.

It's all food. Just eat the damn food.



Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping: I'm almost done all my window shopping. Way ahead of schedule. Time for a beer, cuz I'm a window shopaholic.

Window Shopping



I'm almost done all my window shopping.

Way ahead of schedule.

Time for a beer, cuz I'm a window shopaholic.



Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B

Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B: Lately I've been thinking I have it all wrong about Donald Trump. I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice ...

It's All Part of the J-O-B



Lately I've been thinking that I have it all wrong about Donald Trump.

I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice in a sea of insanity.

I take back everything I've written in previous blogs about him.

Oh. I should mention he is considering me for Secretary of State. No, that has not influenced my opinion of him.



Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express

Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express: Some days I love watching the movie The   Polar Express  at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it ...

Bipolar Express



Some days I love watching the movie The Polar Express at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it over and over again.

Other days I can't stand the movie. I pick up the t.v. and throw it under a train, while the movie is playing.

I think it's because I'm bipolar.



Monday, 28 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party: I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas. Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too laz...

Potunlucky Party



I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas.

Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too lazy to get off my ass – I guess it'll be potluck!

I don't understand the popularity of them. It was your idea to have a party and you want me to cook? I think it's time you took responsibility for your own decisions.

That's like having a house warming party and then inviting me to build the house. Sure I'm handy. I'm handy with my middle finger.

I'll bring beer and maybe – maybe – a bag of chips, but you expect me to do kitchen time to improve your party?

Sure, I could go buy something, but the problem with that is the buying part. How much is this party going to cost me? Could you have your party on Black Friday so I can buy some cheap wings with my stereo?

There's always pressure for people to bring some cutsie dish that represents their country or culture.

"Where did you get that plate? It's darling. And your meal is?"

"Meatloaf. It represents what I was going to throw out from my fridge."

I have a real problem with the word "luck". Do we really want luck to play a role when we're eating other people's food?

"Oh, I see you got the meatballs with the salmonella. That's kinda pot unlucky for you, isn't it."

Then the party gets split into people who manage to grab some grub and those that don't.

Pretty soon you have people going hungry and the party becomes a microcosm for society and the 1% that get to eat like Kings the and 99% that go hungry. Should we set up a welfare party so these people can at least have a decent meal?

"Hey Jeff, I didn't know your party was going to be a microcosm for the social and economic ills of society at large. Cool."

"It was hard picking the right kind of music. Don't forget to wash your own dishes."



Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud

Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud: Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad? Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a bre...

Feliz Navidud



Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad?

Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a break.

Technically, it's not that difficult a song. I think Adele could handle it, or Jay Z, or XY and Z.

Or no one sing it. Maybe that's better.

No Feliz Navidud.

Just for this year.



Sunday, 27 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis: Poor Justin. He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis . This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from lo...

Castroenteritis



Poor Justin.

He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis.

This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from losing a fellow dictator.

Oh I know, Justin isn't quit the dictator kind. What stops him is the crying after, say, putting people in front of a firing squad or locking up dissenters who, on the plus side, still get free health care.

Don't cry, Justin. I hear Mr. Jong-il is feeling just fine these days.



Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good

Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good: Nine days of mourning? I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.

RIP it Good



Nine days of mourning?
I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.


Friday, 25 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache: I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day. It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pi...

Aspirin Ache



I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day.

It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pills because I got a headache trying to pick the right one.

I took the pills specifically for people who spend an hour trying to decide on one product.

Then my legs started to hurt from all the standing, so I swallowed pills for people who use their legs a lot while shopping.

Next were my arms, from lifting all the various bottles. Arm-lifting pain pills did the trick.

Eye pain – from reading the microscopic instructions. Eye pain pills.

The worst pain was making-a-decision pain, from having to make all those purchasing decisions.

Oh, and paying pain. Pain relief relieves you of a lot of money.

Now I'm all do#@^%$p%*@ed up.



Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind

Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind: Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe? I haven't. I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Wher...

Axe to Grind



Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe?

I haven't.

I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Where are they getting their axes?

I have two axes at my cottage. One is really what's called a wood splitter, but it totally has the personality of an axe. I've never had to grind either one.

I'd say if you have a axe to grind then you're buying lousy axes.

That's my life lesson for you – if you have an axe to grind then buy better axes.



Thursday, 24 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Bygones

Helloooo Newman: Bygones: Who are the Bygones? Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to exp...

Bygones



Who are the Bygones?

Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to express themselves freely.

We shorten this to "let Bygones be Bygones."

But who are these people, the Bygones, why do they get to behave any way they want, and is anyone trying to stop them from being themselves?

I imagine they are some ancient tribe in New Guinea that's resisting Western culture. There is a small band of capitalist marauders trying to crush their way of life, extinguish their language, steal their children and put them to work in Taco Bell kitchens filling tacos with antibiotic-bred beef.

I wish I was a Bygone because then my wife would stop trying to mould me into a better man. Bygones get to be whoever they are.

"Honey, the leaves need raking. Put the beer down, finish your breakfast and get moving."

"Listen sweetie, can we just let Bygones be Bygones?"

"You're not a Bygone."

"Yes I am. I got a monthly membership yesterday. They're dying out, sweetie. Someone's gotta keep the tradition going."

"Was that the VISA charge just below PornHub?"

"Let Bygones be Bygones, sweetie."




Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson: I could really use a spokesperson. Why do only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cru...

Spokesperson



How come only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cruise or Oprah, you have lots of spokespersons. They have spokespeople.

I could really use a spokesperson.

I would have my spokesperson make all kinds of important announcements.

First off, I would make him a her – female. It's good optics. Women are smarter and harder working. So says my wife, and I believe her. I think that's a conclusion I arrived at by myself, but truthfully, after 20 years of marriage I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry, Paul is sleeping in today."

My spokesperson will be conveying that message quite often. I'll probably have interviewees say that phrase to test if they are up for the job. A little more convincing, please. Remember to convey the idea that Paul really needs to sleep in because he's been WORKING HARD. Your job is to hide the truth – that I'm lazy.

She (spokeswoman?) would update the world on all kinds of mundane things about my life, similar to people updating their Facebook status with important information like what they are eating, how to boil water, and the latest thing you should be outraged about.

Yes, my spokesperson would, on a daily basis, express my outrage on a variety of issues, because if one doesn't express the proper amount of outrage (in public) regarding various injustices, one is…just like the people committing the injustice.

I would bring my spokesperson in the car to shield me from dangerous situations. She would, for example, handle my road rage incidents for me. This would include flipping the bird, swearing with the window up or down and using the car as a barrier, all the while ready to confront any resulting violence, while I run away and catch a bus. You wouldn't punch a woman, would you?

She would also handle the most important activity I engage in – prayer. I like to sleep in on Sundays (every day, really, but especially Sundays) so she would handle my messages to God.

God: Who is this?
Spokesperson: Paul's spokesperson.
God: And he's…?
Spokesperson: Sleeping.
God: Ah. Well, tell him I'm all out of miracles today.
Spokesperson: I'll pass that along.

Monday, 21 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie: Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog" . That's because when I try to play golf,...

Give Him A Wedgie



Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog".

That's because when I try to play golf, I feel like beating someone's head in. I want to "flog" them.

With my driver or maybe my nine iron. Whatever makes the best shot.

My caddy helps me with that. "Here, Mr. Hardie, given the size and shape of his head, I suggest the pitching wedge."




Thursday, 17 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen: I read some really great news today. Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collaps...

Thank You, Stephen



I read some really great news today.

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collapse and instantly wipe out the universe.

Specifically, the boson could cause a quantum fluctuation, which creates a vacuum bubble that expands and destroys everything in its path.

I was a tad scared that I created a vacuum bubble yesterday when I was vacuuming the living room and accidentally sucked up my gym socks, but I guess it wasn't big enough. They weren't the type of socks that go up to the knee. Thank God. Imagine the flack I would get for ending all of reality.

Is there really any point in raking up the leaves, putting them neatly in bags, when a universe-destroying vacuum could possibly do it for me?

Mr. Hawking said the vacuum may be on its way right now but it just hasn't reached us yet. And you want me to cut the lawn? I don't think so.

I'll do some laundry, maybe a few dishes, but that's it.

I'm gonna let nature do the rest.



Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: I Hope

Helloooo Newman: I Hope: I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my lif...

I Hope


I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life.

You know, like he does in The Shawshank Redemption.

It would attach such gravitas to those dull moments and chores in my monotonous existence. While I'm cutting my toe nails or removing dead skin from my heels I could put on an opera record and Morgan's voice would kick in, soaring in its humanity and pathos as the clippings fall into the toilet bowl.

Here's a typical scene in my life, as narrated by Morgan: "Paul sat in his chair, and I tell you, the birds of freedom soared that day like they've never soared before. Towards the sun. The light of knowledge and freedom. He was free. Free as a bird. No prison for Paul."

Something like that.

Maybe it's worth going to prison just so he could give voice to my life. I can always escape, like Andy does in the movie. But not through the sewage pipe. Nope. I'd have to find another way. I have an allergy to human feces, especially if there's gluten in it.

Otherwise, that would be neat.



Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: I'm Going Coconuts Over This

Helloooo Newman: I'm Going Coconuts Over This: Coconuts are in danger:  https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/coconut-genetic-diversity/507014/ If the coconut is in d...

I'm Going Coconuts Over This




Coconuts are in danger: https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/coconut-genetic-diversity/507014/

If the coconut is in danger, that means my coconut water is in danger. Without my coconut water, I can't do my pilates.

No pilates means my cigaretteish waist gets cigarish. My mood falls and I have nothing to chat about with the ladies.

No chatting means I become isolated and depressed. And then I need my pilates and coconut water even more.

So, in a coco-nutshell, MY world is falling apart.



Helloooo Newman: Self Helpless

Helloooo Newman: Self Helpless: When we need help, we get a self-help book. But why is it called a "self-help" book? If we could help ourselves, we wouldn&#3...

Self Helpless



When we need help, we get a self-help book. But why is it called a "self-help" book? If we could help ourselves, we wouldn't need a book.

The proper term is "self-helpless" book.

You feel helpless to help yourself, you need someone to help you, so you help yourself to a self-helpless book, and listen to Help, and hopefully all that helps.

If you need help understanding this, please call the help.

PS: It's been around 90 seconds. Do you like me yet? Maybe you need help liking me. That's another book.




Monday, 14 November 2016

Helloooo Newman: The Phone Interview

Helloooo Newman: The Phone Interview: I have a phone interview tomorrow and nothing good to wear.

The Phone Interview



I have a phone interview tomorrow and nothing good to wear.



Helloooo Newman: Those Aren't Yoga Pants

Helloooo Newman: Those Aren't Yoga Pants: Lululemon is coming out with some new products and it's about time. Lululemon Tanks: The back seats easily fold down to fit those...

Those Aren't Yoga Pants



Lululemon is coming out with some new products and it's about time.

Lululemon Tanks: The back seats easily fold down to fit those large grocery shoppings, or for extra tank shells. TV screens that only tune to Breakfast Television. Treads are anti-lock and pro-fair trade. Black interior with pink accents (gun turret switch, ammo holder).

Lululemon Chainsaw: It plays Handel's Coconut Water Music while running. Cuts wood chips in the shape of tiny Lululemon logos.

Lululemon Weights: Filled with coconut water, can also be used to iron your clothes.

Lululemon Adult Diaper: Enhances your camel toe.