Wednesday, 21 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away

Helloooo Newman: I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away: I've always believed that human ingenuity would solve the school shooting nuisance. I say nuisance  because all these kids getting ...

I'm Bulletproof, Fire Away


I've always believed that human ingenuity would solve the school shooting nuisance.

I say nuisance because all these kids getting in the way of bullets forces us into this pretend-talk about limiting our God-given right to assault weapons. God is limitless, and so are the rights He grants us.

Introducing the bulletproof backpack. Lightweight, great colours, fun.

As with any helpful consumer item, you can accessorize.

The bulletproof lunch pail. Lock and load with a nutritious lunch.

Can we interest you in our bulletproof lunch? Roast beef, ham or bologna on an industrial focaccia stops a full metal jacket, and tastes great. Add Swiss cheese for that stylish bullet-ridden look, and calcium. (Editor's note: avoid the ham, the titanium flavour dominates.)

For a limited time, purchase our cold, refreshing milk (soy or cow) that turns guns into butter.

Made only in America. Sold only in America. So you can survive only in America.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away.

Tuesday, 20 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Slippery Slope

Helloooo Newman: Slippery Slope: These gun-toting advocates have a real good point about the slippery slope. If you pass one law to regulate guns, the floodgates will open...

Slippery Slope

These gun-toting advocates have a real good point about the slippery slope.

If you pass one law to regulate guns, the floodgates will open and soon special forces will be reaching up from your toilet and your sink to confiscate all your guns.

Think about it. First, all Americans won the right to bear arms. Next, women won the right to bare their chest.

Soon we'll all be walking around naked.

Stop the slippery slope. Sell more guns.

Monday, 19 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Electrician's Licence

Helloooo Newman: Electrician's Licence: I've been reading some books on how to rewire your brain. I'm anxious. Can I really trust myself to properly rewire my brain a...

Electrician's Licence



I've been reading some books on how to rewire my brain.

I'm anxious. Can I really trust myself to properly rewire my brain all on my own? Shouldn't I at least have an electrician's licence? Or at least experiment with someone else's brain first. How about my wife?

Judging from how I do with household chores, I should be really careful. Last summer I installed a ceiling fan and every time I turn it on, our neighbour's Tesla drives itself out East to attend a lobster festival.

Be very careful with the book above. It doesn't have even one picture of a fuse box.

Rewiring the brain is a minefield of problems. What if I electrocute myself? I know a guy who tried fixing his toaster while it was still plugged in. He now refers to his entire family as Anthony Weiner.

I'm not completely ignorant on things electric. I know that before you mess with electrons, you should turn the power off. I'm not sure how to do that to my brain, other than to fall asleep or watch old episodes of Manimal.

Do you know how complicated the brain is? I mean, Einstein had one. What if I cross a wire? I could end up with the IQ of a crock pot. I'd be much more useful, I guess. But would I be less anxious? – oh shit sorry, I messed up your stew.

One early adopter of brain renovation tried rewiring his amygdala but accidentally shorted his libido and could never get another erection. Or was it a permanent erection? Can't remember. It was a closed coffin, anyway.

Well, I'll give it a go. If it doesn't work, I guess you'll see me on Yonge Street selling curtain rods.

Friday, 16 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Animals in the Olympics

Helloooo Newman: Animals in the Olympics: Are you like me? Do you call it a "triple sow cow" ? Did you wonder what a weird genetic hybrid of pig and bovine had to do w...

Animals in the Olympics


Are you like me? Do you call it a "triple sow cow"?

Did you wonder what a weird genetic hybrid of pig and bovine had to do with figure skating?

Well, I have news for you.

It's called a triple Salchow, and it's named after Ulrich Salchow.

But the pig/cow combo sounds kind of delish.

Thursday, 15 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Killer Tea

Helloooo Newman: Killer Tea: Scientists continue to rain on my food parade. The latest – Killer hot tea. Yes. KILLER   HOT TEA! It gives you cancer, but only if ...

Killer Tea


Scientists continue to rain on my food parade.

The latest – Killer hot tea. Yes. KILLER HOT TEA!

It gives you cancer, but only if you also smoke and drink.

No tea for me.

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: The New Oprah

Helloooo Newman: The New Oprah: I'm surprised that Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra haven't married. Oprah Chopra The Oprah Chopra show. The Oprah Chopra sh...

The New Oprah


I'm surprised that Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra haven't married.

Oprah Chopra

The Oprah Chopra show.

The Oprah Chopra show live in Okeechobee.

Could you stand the nausea?

Monday, 12 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Dog World

Helloooo Newman: Dog World: You know what's causing a real ruckus in the dog world? The word "tick". Dogs get confused when they here the word "t...

Dog World

You know what's causing a real ruckus in the dog world?

The word "tick".

Dogs get confused when they here the word "tick", because they don't know if it refers to the involuntary movement tick or the little bastard tick that sucks their blood.

Even to dogs, the language barrier causes real problems.

"Oh shit, dude, a tick."

"Get it off me."

"No, I mean that involuntary movement you always do, licking your non-existent balls."

"Shut up, man. You do it too."

"I'm a girl, you fool."

"Well, you lick your…where is that thing, anyway? I can never find it."

"Lucy told me you were sure looking for it last weekend. #metoo, you filthy dog."

"Lucy is a bitch."

"Of course she is. You failed biology, right?"

Sunday, 11 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Backup Killer

Helloooo Newman: Backup Killer: I filmed an entire movie using my car's backup camera. A few cast members were run over, but I was very pleased with the results. Very...

Backup Killer

I filmed an entire movie using my car's backup camera.

A few cast members were run over, but I was very pleased with the results. Very life-like acting.

It's about a serial killer that murders people by backing over them with his car.

It's called Backup Killer.

Coming to a video store near you, especially the ones that are closing.

Helloooo Newman: Wintery Winter

Helloooo Newman: Wintery Winter: There's only one way to handle this wintery winter. Get the bottom blaster at the car wash.

Wintery Winter

There's only one way to feel good during this wintery winter. Get the bottom blaster at the car wash.

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Binge Watching Your Life

Helloooo Newman: Binge Watching Your Life: When you experience a traumatic event and your life flashes before your eyes, what you're really doing is binge-watching your life, like...

Binge Watching Your Life

When you experience a traumatic event and your life flashes before your eyes, what you're really doing is binge-watching your life, like it was on Netflix or something.

Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: When Are You Gonna Vacuum?

Helloooo Newman: When Are You Gonna Vacuum?: My next dog's name will be when are you gonna vacuum? so that every time my wife asks me this, the dog will come running and bug her. ...

When Are You Gonna Vacuum?

My next dog's name will be when are you gonna vacuum? so that every time my wife asks me this, the dog will come running and bug her.

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: Quit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Quit Bit: I've invented the Quit Bit . It tracks all those times you are ready to work out, but you decide to quit and go for some beer and onio...

Quit Bit

I've invented the Quit Bit.

It tracks all those times you are ready to work out, but you decide to quit and go for some beer and onion rings, or a smoke.

How can you tell if you're a success without tracking your failures?

The Quit Bit.

Friday, 2 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years. He wanted to make it 20 years, ...

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Helloooo Newman: The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years. He wanted to make it 20 years, ...

The Really Long Goodbye Yellow Brick Road


I'm rushing to buy tickets for Elton John's farewell concert tour, which only runs for 3 years.

He wanted to make it 20 years, but has committed to starring in Mars Attacks Two!


Helloooo Newman: Groundhog Day

Helloooo Newman: Groundhog Day: If the human race ever reaches the stars and visits other planets with intelligent life, how will we explain that, despite our glowing techn...

Groundhog Day

If the human race ever reaches the stars and visits other planets with intelligent life, how will we explain that, despite our glowing technology and human ingenuity, we look to a dirt-digging rodent to predict our weather?

I think this may be why aliens don't visit us. They probably have some dirt-digging rodent they use to figure out the world, and are totally embarrassed by it.

And just when we finish explaining why we use a dirt-digging rodent to understand our world, we have to justify why we pray to an invisible man in the sky.

Perhaps we should just stay home.

Helloooo Newman: Fan Hits the Shit

Helloooo Newman: Fan Hits the Shit: Today, instead of sitting around and waiting for the shit to hit the fan, I'm gonna throw the fan directly at the unsuspecting shit. ...

Fan Hits the Shit


Today, instead of sitting around and waiting for the shit to hit the fan, I'm gonna throw the fan directly at the unsuspecting shit. Take it by surprise. Catch it off guard. Can't wait to see its reaction.

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Poem

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Poem: A wrote a poem for Newman. "Come here, boy." "Come on, boy. Come here." "Here boy." "Newman, come...

A Dog's Poem

A wrote a poem for Newman.

It's called Come Here, Boy

"Come here, boy."

"Come on, boy. Come here."

"Here boy."

"Newman, come here."

"NEWMAN."

"GET OVER HERE."

"NOW!"

"Bad Newman."

Tuesday, 30 January 2018

Helloooo Newman: Words

Helloooo Newman: Words: I hate when we have two words for essentially the same thing. Take two everyday words, like  stalactite and stalagmite . One is a li...

Words


I hate when we have two words for essentially the same thing.

Take two everyday words, like stalactite and stalagmite.

One is a limestone formation that grows down from the ceiling of a cave, the other is one that grows up from the floor. But which is which? Who the fuck can remember?

They're the same damn thing, except one's on the ceiling and one's on the floor. Can't we just pick one word, say stalactite, and then say "hanging stalactite"? If we don't say "hanging", guess what? It's on the floor. Is that difficult to understand?

I know people who invent silly rhymes and memory games to recall which is which. If you're going to do that, why not save time and go with "hanging"?

Believe it or not, over the holidays I was actually discussing stalactites. I haven't been on that topic in over 20 years. And I like to think I have my geological formations down, but how the fuck am I suppose to get those two words straight? Like I said, it's been over 20 years.

Here's a rational way to think about it. Take a man's dick. Sometimes it's hanging towards the floor and sometimes it's growing up towards the ceiling. Do we have different terms for that? Do we say "dicktite" and "dickmite". We don't!

By the way, when people create memory games to recall things, we call that a mnemonic. Now why the hell isn't that spelled like pneumonia? Or phone. Why not fhone? Who knows?

It's so confusing.

Phuck!

Sunday, 28 January 2018

Helloooo Newman: Name Change

Helloooo Newman: Name Change: As Helloooo Newman fans may know, some of my favourite celebrities include Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law), Jennifer Lopez (J.Lo), P. Diddy, Jay-Z...

Name Change

As Helloooo Newman fans may know, some of my favourite celebrities include Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law), Jennifer Lopez (J.Lo), P. Diddy, Jay-Z, and until recently, Bill Cosby (Jel.O).

In keeping with this name trend, I ask all fans to address me as P. Hard.

That's instead of my real name, Paul Hardie, or the name Interpol has in their database, Piano Hands Paul.

As you know, I get large crowds of one or two people approaching me and yelling out PAUL, PAUL, WE LOVE YOU.

That's not cool. I mean, the LOVE part is. In an effort to stay relevant and hip with the name, please, it's P. HARD.

An awareness campaign about the name change will begin next week in washrooms across the city – "Laugh Hard with P Hard"

Helloooo Newman: Books

Helloooo Newman: Books: If they make large print books for people  who can't see, why don't they make tiny print books for people who can see really we...

Helloooo Newman: Tall Blonde

Helloooo Newman: Tall Blonde: I ordered a decaf tall blonde at Starbucks, otherwise known as a fake blonde. I added cream and it became a fake blonde with roots.

Books

If they make large print books for people 
who can't see,
why don't they make tiny print books for people who can see really well?

Tall Blonde

I ordered a decaf tall blonde at Starbucks, otherwise known as fake coffee, or, a fake blonde. I added cream and it became a fake blonde with roots.

Friday, 26 January 2018

Helloooo Newman: Friendversary

Helloooo Newman: Friendversary: Here's a disturbing trend. The "friendversary" Brought to you by Farcebook . I mean Fakebook . No, Fartbook . Fetidbook...

Friendversary


Here's a disturbing trend.

The "friendversary"

Brought to you by Farcebook. I mean Fakebook. No, Fartbook. Fetidbook. Fecklessbook.

Fuckoffbook.

There are two glaring problems with the concept of "friendversary".

The word anniversary is a generic term, meaning the annual turning of some event. It does not apply to any specific event, like marriage, and certainly not friendship. We just use it in the context of a wedding most often.

"It is our anniversary" is interpreted as our wedding anniversary, but it could just as easily mean we are celebrating the adoption of our pet monkey.

If we are going to use the word "friendversary", then we would also have to say "weddingversary", which I'm sure you will agree is really stupid. So stupid that the word "friendversary" should be banned immediately. I think it is in North Korea.

Since "friendversary" does not contain the prefix "anni", meaning annual, how am I to know when to celebrate this event?

There is a much bigger problem with "friendversary". It's a profoundly dumb idea. Are you telling me I need to celebrate, every year, the first time I met all my friends?

On Fuckedupbook I have 130 friends (which is fucked up in itself). You do the math. I'll be wearing adult diapers so I have enough time at the computer to calculate and track all those dates.

And 130 friends is low, although incredibly high for me. I know people with 10 million friends. That's 10,000 truckloads of diapers.

Am I suppose to get some kind of gift? Will there be a silver "friendversary"? Will my friends pout all day if I forget it?

Fuck that. If I call a friend and wish him or her "happy friendversary", I would expect them to cease all contact with me, followed by a complete denial that they ever knew me.

Pretty soon the price of roses will quadruple on my "friendversary" days.

I love having friends. So much so, I'm not going to wish them "happy friendversary".

Thursday, 25 January 2018

Helloooo Newman: The Sixth Dimension

Helloooo Newman: The Sixth Dimension: Scientists have discovered a 6th dimension. However, like the 5th Dimension, the 6th dimension comprises a rock group, this one being very n...

The 6th Dimension

Scientists have discovered a 6th dimension. However, like the 5th Dimension, the 6th dimension comprises a rock group, this one being very noisy and violent.

As the scientists tried to study the dimension, the loud and harsh music became too much for their ears.

"I couldn't hear myself calculate", said one scientist. "It was like 10 thousand copies of The Who were performing all at once and my eardrums were the stage."

Scientists were trying to find out if the dimension actually consists of the rock band, or if the band got stuck there looking for a record contract.

"We think maybe they picked a bad Youtube channel, or it was hacked by Russians, and they were downloaded to this 6th dimension."

Just as they got close to an answer, one scientist was hit on the head with an electric guitar. They decided study of this dimension can wait until the band gets older and more MOR, or breaks up.

Helloooo Newman: Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?

Helloooo Newman: Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?: Scientists and medical professionals continue to study the negative health effects of coffee. Coffee drinkers continue to not give a shit....

Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?

Scientists and medical professionals continue to study the negative health effects of coffee.

Coffee drinkers continue to not give a shit.

"For some reason, doctors want to take a shit in my coffee. Stop me from drinking it. I won't. I'll just pretend it's another type of Starbucks mocha melange…", said one coffee drinker we interviewed.*

Soon we will find that studying cancer causes cancer and drinking coffee causes happiness.



* a direct quote for a non-existent person.

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Helloooo Newman: Tip of the Iceberg

Helloooo Newman: Tip of the Iceberg: Everyone says it about every issue. "We're only seeing the tip of the iceberg." It's always just the tip. Has anyone at...