Thursday, 17 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: The Dawn

Helloooo Newman: The Dawn: I do way more housework than my wife. I've whacked trillions of germs, laundered countless clothes and been a cleaner to thousands o...

The Dawn


I do way more housework than my wife. I've whacked trillions of germs, laundered countless clothes and been a cleaner to thousands of dirty dishes.

I think it's time I became a maid man in this family.

Perhaps even the Dawn!

Helloooo Newman: It's 10:30 in Newfoundland

Helloooo Newman: It's 10:30 in Newfoundland: As Canadians, do we  still need to hear, "It's 10:00 a.m., 10:30 in Newfoundland"? We get it. What easy math. Newfoundla...

It's 10:30 in Newfoundland


As Canadians, do we still need to hear, "It's 10:00 a.m., 10:30 in Newfoundland"?

We get it. What easy math. Newfoundland adds 30 minutes to everything. I wonder if objects in Newfoundland are larger than they appear as well. Hmmm, I'll take 5 timbits today instead of my regular 10, thank you. They'll be ready in 30 minutes, of course.

My, that's a big lobster. Billy, fill the swimming pool with butter.

How come only Newfoundland gets to add 30 minutes to everything? There are lots of activities I would like to add 30 minutes to. Sex for 30 minutes and 30 seconds would be nice, for a change.

Does everything in Newfoundland happen in half hour increments? Maybe hookers make more money that way.

Enough with the reminders, though. People must think Canadians are stupid. "What time is it in Newfoundland?" "A half hour from now."

10:30 in Newfoundland. It's as Canadian as falling in love with a Trudeau.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Word of the Day

Helloooo Newman: Word of the Day: Why do we only use the word "profusely" in very limited circumstances. Basically, it's "He bled profusely" or...

Word of the Day


Why do we only use the word "profusely" in very limited circumstances.

Basically, it's "He bled profusely" or "He apologized profusely".

It's a fun word. It deserves more recognition. Come on people, let's mix things up a bit.

From now on, "He talked profusely", instead of "incessantly".

"He lies profusely" instead of "like a rug".

"We are going out profusely" instead of "until the wee hours of the morning".

"You can diet profusely" instead of "until the cows come home", "but you'll never be a size 4."

Make up a profuse amount of your own.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Leaf blowers: Hey neighbours, here are  my dead leaves and grass. Can you rake them up?

Musings and Woes


Leaf blowers: Hey neighbours, here are my dead leaves and grass.
Can you rake them up and put them in those huge shopping bags?

Monday, 14 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Placebo

Helloooo Newman: Placebo: I'm gonna start an act impersonating Placido Domingo and call myself Placebo Domingo.

Placebo


I'm gonna start an act impersonating Placido Domingo and call myself Placebo Domingo.

Sunday, 13 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I struggle with so many personality challenges, like the fact that I'm an inperfectionist.

Musings and Woes


I struggle with so many personality challenges, like the fact that I'm an inperfectionist.

Helloooo Newman: This is your Brain

Helloooo Newman: This is your Brain: This is my brain at its best Why do we need to know what our brain is like on everything? We're constantly bombarded – this is yo...

This is your Brain

This is my brain at its best

Why do we need to know what our brain is like on everything?

We're constantly bombarded – this is your brain on sugar, this is your brain on alcohol, stress, fear, this is your brain on having a nail driven through your nutsack, this is your brain on reading articles about how your brain behaves on every conceivable human activity. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yesterday I read about my brain on a vacation. My brain is drunk on vacation. Then it goes to sleep. No study needed, thank you.

Can't we have a bit of mystery in life? I prefer to not precisely know why a nail in my nutsack would upset my brain.

It's like we need to constantly babysit our brain. Why? My brain is far smarter than me. I don't feel qualified to advise it on how to behave.

Then there's all this talk about feeding our brain the right foods. Do you get hunger pangs in your brain? I don't. They're all located in my stomach, so I eat to please him.

My brain does not need blueberries, oily fish and internet games to stay healthy. It needs sleep, naps and, preferably, full blown unconsciousness.

I mostly leave my brain alone to do its thing. I suggest you do the same.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wonder if God ever gets tired of us bitching to Him.  I wonder if He gets tired of being married to the human race.

Musings and Woes


I wonder if God ever gets tired of us bitching to Him. 
I wonder if He gets tired of being married to the human race.

Friday, 11 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Wouldn't it be great if life was as easy as, "I took some time off to recharge my batteries." I wish I was a Tesla. ...

Musings and Woes


Wouldn't it be great if life was as easy as, "I took some time off to recharge my batteries."

I wish I was a Tesla.

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: The Falsettos

Helloooo Newman: The Falsettos: I'm pitching an exciting and original show to HBO called The Falsettos . It follows the high notes and the low tones of Toni Falset...

The Falsettos


I'm pitching an exciting and original show to HBO called The Falsettos.

It follows the high notes and the low tones of Toni Falsetto as she balances the cut-throat demands of heading a local children's choir while nurturing a family.

Toni has a tender side, but sings a ruthless tune when necessary. The first episode reveals how Toni whacks her most trusted singer for stealing three notes of an Aria.

Her husband, Mel (short for Caramel), raises the two kids and funnels fentanyl through a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Toni often visits her singing coach, Dr. Ralph Malphi, for a vocal chord tune up and some life advice.

I'll see you on the other side of fame.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It must be depressing when, as a celebrity, news of your death comes as a shock because everyone thought you were dead long ago. Plus you&#...

Musings and Woes


It must be depressing when, as a celebrity, news of your death comes as a shock because everyone thought you were dead long ago. Plus you're dead, which is doubly depressing.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's official. A douchebag from France is called a douchebaguette.

Musings and Woes


It's official. A douchebag from France is called a douchebaguette.

Helloooo Newman: Perfect Rain

Helloooo Newman: Perfect Rain: Red sky at night, sailor's… fuck that …more rain…today…tomorrow…next week… next month…next year…

Perfect Rain


Red sky at night, sailor's…fuck the sailor…more rain…today…tomorrow…next week…
next month…next year…

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I think it's okay for transgenders to eat trans fats. They're so lucky.

Musings and Woes


I think it's okay for transgenders to eat trans fats. They're so lucky.

Monday, 7 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Trump Bio

Helloooo Newman: Trump Bio: Want to know more on the inner workings of the Trump Administration? Watch Trump, The Inner Rectum: A Cockumentary . Coming to Helloo...

Trump Bio


Want to know more on the inner workings of the Trump Administration?

Watch Trump, The Inner Rectum: A Cockumentary.

Coming to Helloooo Newmantube.

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Cautionary

Helloooo Newman: Cautionary: The makers of Pictionary are coming out with a new game called Cautionary. The player who's most afraid to make a move wins.

Cautionary


The makers of Pictionary are coming out with a new game called Cautionary.

The player who's most afraid to make a move, wins.

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Ron

Helloooo Newman: Vote for Ron: I love reading about physics, but boy, some of it is pretty mysterious. Who's Ron, for instance? And why should I vote for him? S...

Vote for Ron


I love reading about physics, but boy, some of it is pretty mysterious.

Who's Ron, for instance? And why should I vote for him?

Sean Carroll, my favourite physicist, keeps saying "elect Ron" this and "elect Ron" that. He never once explains who Ron is, what his platform is or what experience he has.

Things wouldn't exist unless we elect Ron. Wow, that's a lot of power for one person.

I want to meet this Ron before I vote for him. "He's too small too actually see", says Mr. Carroll.

Really? Who will represent us at the next NATO meeting? Hey, have you seen Ron? No, have you? Not a sign of him.

Let's invade Europe while he's missing.

I'm afraid that until this Ron shows himself, it's gotta be Trump.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: One reason I'm glad I'm not a dog is that I hate the taste of fresh tennis balls. Have you every tasted a fresh tennis ball? I ha...

Musings and Woes


One reason I'm glad I'm not a dog is that I hate the taste of fresh tennis balls. Have you every tasted a fresh tennis ball? I have.

I won't go into the details (although it's very similar to a tense scene in Pulp Fiction) but it's not pleasant.

I'll admit, there are lots of good reasons to be a dog. Sleeping all day. Not working. No responsibility. But then there's the obligatory tennis ball retrieving. Can't do it.

I prefer chasing my wife's meatballs. Much tastier. Which is why I never return them to her.


Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Driverless cars are the future. But the future of the future is peopleless cars. Cars driving around all by themselves for no apparent rea...

Musings and Woes


Driverless cars are the future. But the future of the future is peopleless cars. Cars driving around all by themselves for no apparent reason – just because they can.

Helloooo Newman: Earthly Wonders

Helloooo Newman: Earthly Wonders: An amazing fact about the earth is that it constantly moves in 5 different ways all at the same time. 1. It spins around its axis (and ...

Earthly Wonders


An amazing fact about the earth is that it constantly moves in 5 different ways all at the same time.

1. It spins around its axis (and wobbles on it)
2. The axis itself spins one revolution every 26,000 years
3. It spins around the sun.
4. It spins around the centre of the galaxy
5. Our galaxy, along with earth, is moving through space towards bigger galaxies

And yet somehow Jenga doesn't collapse until you remove the wrong block.

Amazing!

Monday, 31 July 2017

Helloooo Newman: Premium Electricity

Helloooo Newman: Premium Electricity: When I gas up my car I buy only the best – premium gas. I'll do the same for my Tesla – only the best electricity for this baby....

Premium Electricity


When I gas up my car I buy only the best – premium gas.

I'll do the same for my Tesla – only the best electricity for this baby.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Helloooo Newman: Kudos

Helloooo Newman: Kudos: How come when we praise someone we always give them kudos? I know some people who only deserve one kudo at the most, myself included. ...

Kudos


How come when we praise someone we always give them kudos?

I know some people who only deserve one kudo at the most, myself included.

Maybe…maybe one and three quarters of a kudo. Certainly not everyone deserves full kudos (plural) all the time.

When I half-ass my laundry duties – combine underwear, face towels, fine knits, bath mats, oily rags, my high heels, colours, whites, blacks, furniture – I fully expect to receive a half kudo at most. And I'm good with that.

We're handing out kudos way to easily these days.

It's like kudos are cash, and we have a kudos welfare program, handing out kudos to the needy, to people who deserve slight praise but receive a nice kudos cheque from the government every month.

What happened to working for your kudos, like in the good old days?

When Justin Bieber hits someone with his big-boy car and gets out to see if they are okay, no kudos should be forwarded to him. Gwyneth Paltrow does not deserve kudos for giving us Goop. In fact, she owes kudos back into the kudo bank.

No celebrity deserves kudos for giving away a fraction of their obscene wealth. The Academy Awards should be called the Embarrassment of Wealth Awards.

We will never meet the people who really deserve kudos. Like the person/s leaking all the dirt on the Trump White House. He/she/they deserve to win the kudos lottery.

I'm saving each and every kudo for that rainy day when I fuck everything up.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Helloooo Newman: Cock Blocker Blog

Helloooo Newman: Cock Blocker Blog: Cock blockers are usually this big, but mine is much, MUCH BIGGER. I tried to order my cock blocker online from China, but my ad block...

Cock Blocker Blog

Cock blockers are usually this big, but mine is much, MUCH BIGGER.


I tried to order my cock blocker online from China, but my ad blocker blocked it.

I called the company to ship it directly, but Customs blocked my cock blocker.

I called the White House to ask them where they all got their cock blockers, but they blocked my call.

Why is everyone blocking my cock blocker?

I tried to make my own cock blocker, but suffered from a mental blocker.

Naturally, I thought I would write a great cock blog about it, but suffered from writer's blocker.

Someday, I'll unblock my cock blocker. And I'll know how to use it, because I've been around the blocker a few times.


Warning: This blog is rated "C" for crass.
This blog has been blocked in 1,234 countries, 7 planets and 13 solar systems.


Friday, 28 July 2017

Helloooo Newman: Back on the Sperm Gang

Helloooo Newman: Back on the Sperm Gang: Apparently fewer and fewer sperm are showing up for work these days. Men around the world are suffering from low sperm counts. Can we...

Back on the Sperm Gang


Apparently fewer and fewer sperm are showing up for work these days.

Men around the world are suffering from low sperm counts.

Can we blame the sperm? Lying around in that crowded and sweaty hammock, day after day, waiting for action.

It's like being a fireman. Polishing your big red truck for the hundredth time. Lazily throwing balls for the Dalmatian. Where's that alarm? Waiting. Please, give me a reason to slide down that pole. Yawning and waiting…

Just like the sperm.

My theory: Sperm street gangs.

Sperm are exiting through the nose, every time a man blows it. They are gathering in numbers too big to calculate, in the cracks and crevices of neighbourhood alleyways.

Taking insemination into their own, um, tails?

Be very careful, ladies. Think twice about your next alley visit. You could end up wrestling gangs of 6 or 7 billion angry sperm. Swimming for victims, similar to the many-tailed Sentinels from The Matrix. Sure, the mace might work on a few thousand of them. When it's all over, you wake up and you're knocked up.

Soon, a planet of only sperm.

Kinda makes sense, actually.

Thursday, 27 July 2017

Helloooo Newman: Baby on Board

Helloooo Newman: Baby on Board: What are those "baby on board" signs suppose to do? "Ahhhhhhhh shiiiiit, another car I can't ram into at 80 kp...

Baby on Board


What are those "baby on board" signs suppose to do?

"Ahhhhhhhh shiiiiit, another car I shouldn't ram into at 80 kph (49.7097 mph)."