Monday, 11 December 2017

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion: I wonder if you could help me. My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas. She yelled a store name at me from downsta...

Christmas Confusion

I wonder if you could help me.

My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas.

She yelled a store name at me from downstairs while she was doing laundry. I was freakin' absorbed in a great game of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy on tv (sometimes called football), sinkin' a few beers and shouting, "She's with me!"

Louis Futon?

Have you heard of this place? Can't find it anywhere.

I honestly don't know why she wants a futon. We have a sexy queen-sized piece of memory foam that never forgets me. We're on a first name basis, and she knows all my secrets.

Looks like another year of Bed Bath & Beyond.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor: The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change. At first I thought it was a typo, but surely God w...

God's Editor

The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change.

At first I thought it was a typo in the prayer, but surely God wins every spelling bee He enters.

The word is "encomium".

God: Can you use it in a sentence, please? Oh wait, you're talking about ME, right?

If the Lord's Prayer needs a redo, that means one of two things: With this change, it will now be the true official word of God, and for centuries it's been wrong – OR – it's been right all this time, and now the Pope is ruining it.

Which is it? How can I now trust anything I read in the Good Book? This is an egregious mistake. There's never been one change to any of Chuck Norris's books. He gets it right the first time. And God can't?

I feel lost.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want: Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference. As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms,...

What Women Want

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference.

As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms, you are the group of men who believe it's fine and dandy to touch a woman's breasts in a variety of circumstances – when you first meet her, when a photo is taken, or at work in your private office.

Most of all, you are perplexed as to why women don't enjoy this "playful" behaviour as much as you do. You enjoy it so much that you somehow forget all the times you've done it in the past, which is weird.

You are the men who know What Women Want.

Today's seminar will take a closer look at What Women Want with a fun PowerPoint presentation.

PowerPoint. Because men have all the power. That's the point!

The scenario: You are a celebrity who is use to getting everything he wants. You are a man, who is also use to getting everything he wants. You are about to take a photo with one of your adoring fans.

Let's begin.

Cue music: The first thing you will notice is that we are not playing stripper music. This signals to you that when you meet a woman for the first time, she doesn't want to give you a table dance or hear about your masturbatory habits.

Slide 1: You are having your photo taken with a women you just met. You shake hands. Pretty simple, or so it seems.

Slide 2: Let's focus in on the woman's face. We are looking for signs that she is dying for you to grab her breast as the photo is snapped. What can we see? Hmmm. No obvious clues. She's smiling, but that could easily be a "nice to meet you" smile. Is there a glint, or a glimmer in her eye? Check for glint and glimmer. Also for a sparkle, or a twinkle. It could be a shimmer, or a wink. Something that tells you, and only you, her day is drab until you swaddle her mams. Looks like it's just the camera lights reflecting off her cornea. Oh well. Let's keep searching.

Slide 3: Zoom in to the handshake. Here we are looking for a secret note the woman might pass to you, saying something like, "It would be coolio if, just as the photo were snapped, you grabbed my breast. Don't worry, I won't snap at you." No note. Maybe she asks for her breasts to be fondled so often that she has "Please grope my breast" tattooed on the palm of her hand. Nope. The palms are only nervous and sweaty.

Slide 4: Don't forget the clothes. Clothes make the man. They also make the woman – a harlot? Depends on the signal she is sending. This woman falls somewhere between Maria from The Sound of Music and Miley Cyrus from her Wrecking Ball video. She's sending mixed signals. Or, maybe, there's no signal. She's wearing what she felt like wearing that day, just like you did.

Slide 5: The photo is about to be snapped. The excitement builds. Lights are flashing. Reflecting off umbrellas. The photographer shouts out suggestions. None of those suggestions include, "Hey dude, make her smile. Grab her breast." Instead, he takes a picture of the two of you sitting beside each other, like adults.

Slide 6: The shoot is over and everyone goes home.

"Over? But. But. I didn't grab her breast. I enjoy grabbing breasts, and she wanted me to."

Exam time. Grab your pens. No, not your… Your PENS. Poor babies. You just imagined the "i".

Please write a one word essay, answering the following question: Do Women Really Want Me to Grab Their Breast?

Good luck, men!

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question: I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Powerful Question


I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Stonehenge Deciphered

Helloooo Newman: Stonehenge Deciphered: The last thing people who study Stonehenge want you to think is that the structure represents a completely mundane, ordinary activity. If...

Stonehenge Deciphered


The last thing people who study Stonehenge want you to think is that the structure represents a completely mundane, ordinary activity. If you start thinking that, they are out of a job.

The job of figuring out what Stonehenge means is very similar to real estate, or stocks. It's all about speculation.

"I think Stonehenge is an ancient celestial observatory. That will be 1 million dollars, please."

Tv special after tv special make all kinds of crazy guesses. That's the beauty of studying ancient stuff. Who the hell knows?

My guess? It was a public washroom. Maybe the world's first, which is something to brag about, for sure. Plus they invented the individual stall, by standing up all those massive boulders.

My proof? People still use it as a washroom, which is why it's roped off to the public.

Maybe when the people from Easter Island came visiting, they expected to relieve themselves on some huge-ass rock. Reminded them of home.

My runner-up guess is a kind of pre-Jenga game. You know, before miniaturization came along. It took years to shrink the radio and put it in a car, or turn the telephone into an iPhone. Same with the board game. The big difference was if you lose the game, you get crushed to death.

The experts say it would have been really stupid to move those huge rocks around unless it were for some glorious, grand reason.

Really? First of all, everything was huge back then. Pyramids, plagues, empires.

Plus, we do all kinds of stupid things these days. Wouldn't it be entirely normal that people way back did stupid things too?

"You did what? Drag 10,000-pound boulders 100 miles to make a washroom? Just dig a hole, dude."

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: What is a  "watershed moment" ? More importantly then knowing what one is, do we really want more watershed moments? The last...

Wit Bit

What is a "watershed moment"?

More importantly then knowing what one is, do we really want more watershed moments?

The last time I peeked in my watershed at the cottage, I found 2 dead chipmunks, several forms of bacteria deadly to human life, a frisbee-sized dock spider nest, Jimmy Hoffa and my copy of Good Guys Wear Black by Chuck Norris. In hardcover.

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Christmas is Coming

Helloooo Newman: Christmas is Coming: Christmas is just around the corner. I'm talking about Christmas 2018. Christmas 2019 is around the corner and slightly down the stree...

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is just around the corner.

I'm talking about Christmas 2018. Christmas 2019 is around the corner and slightly down the street a bit, maybe about 2 of those sidewalk squares away. 2020 is down the street a bit further and hiding behind a coniferous, which costs $120, ready to pounce. Christmas' 2021-2350 are in a meeting, strategizing how they can show up earlier and get us to spend more. The rest of the Christmas', to infinity, are planning to take over the universe.

Friday, 24 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Quick Quips

Helloooo Newman: Quick Quips: An optomemist is an optometrist who looks at everything in a positive light. And it's a really good light, so he doesn't hurt his e...

Quick Quips

An optomemist is an optometrist who sees everything in a positive light. And it's a really good light, so he doesn't hurt his eyes.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Handel's Bottled Water

Helloooo Newman: Handel's Bottled Water: Are you bored by your regular, humdrum water? Are you too dumb for smart water? Are you too thin for diet water? Are you too fat f...

Handel's Bottled Water

Are you bored by your regular, humdrum water?

Are you too dumb, or smart, for smart water?

Are you too thin for diet water?

Are you too fat for fat water?



Does your water lack a certain…musicality?

Rest easy, thirsty one.

You can now drink Handel's Water Music Water from a bottle.

Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle (Trademarked, so hands off) hits all the right notes. It's the most musical water available.

Every time you open a bottle of Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle you will hear, and taste, Handel's beautiful composition. On some bottles (all bottles) we've experienced technical glitches, so it would good to have the actual music on hand just in case.

You can pour the water into a glass and the music keeps playing. You may even decide not to drink the delicious water because you are soaked up in the sounds of Handel. Don't wait too long. The sound quality, like the water, degrades with the buildup of bacteria – you want to avoid cholera, dysentery, and too much treble.

And the best part? Later on, when you pee the water out, the music plays again. As an early adopter of this wonderful technology, you should avoid public washrooms, since music coming from your crotch is kinda weird. But once everyone is drinking it, go ahead, have a concert in that stall.

It's not just water lovers that are gurgling the praises of Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle. The musical reviews are top-notch. Rolling Stone magazine calls it the best version of Handel's Water Music they have ever consumed. Pediatricians recommend you force-feed it to your baby because classical music makes little Billy smarter.

Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle is playing at a store near you.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: My Writing Process

Helloooo Newman: My Writing Process: People often ask me what my writing process involves. Okay, no one has actually asked me that, specifically . Sometimes they ask me why...

My Writing Process


People often ask me what my writing process involves.

Okay, no one has actually asked me that, specifically. Sometimes they ask me why I'm at their party when I wasn't invited. So rude. It's gotten so bad that I now turn down all invites, espcially the ones I don't receive.

Let's ask myself. "Paul, what does your writing process involve?"

Thanks for asking.

Most writers choose their words, and word placement very, very carefully. I go a step further.

I drill down to the letter. For me, it's all in the letter choice and placement.

Consider the word in the Title of this blog: Process.

See what I did there?

I started with a capital "P". Why? I'm not telling you. But it's crucial to the use of that word in this context.

Then I followed with a boldly placed "r". Then an innocent little "o". I'm most proud of the "ss" at the end. Took a ton of honing to get that right.

If you are an observant person, and I know you are, you'll notice I ended with a ".".

Again, why?

Well, I'm not going to spill all my secrets, now am I?

Buy my book, like everyone else.

Okay, no one has bought it yet. I guess it would be good to get it published first. But then I'd have to actually write it. Which requires a good idea. Hmmmm…

That's my process.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Things I Should Have Said

Helloooo Newman: Things I Should Have Said: I was peacefully walking my dog when I looked up and saw this strange lady across the street. You know, one of those people that has annoyin...

Things I Should Have Said

I was peacefully walking my dog when I looked up and saw this strange lady across the street. You know, one of those people that has annoying stamped all over their face.

She was walking two crappy looking dogs, had a very weird hat on, and a severely troubling smile. Not a friendly smile that said, "Hey, I know you're probably busy so I'm not gonna waste your time with useless shit." I read the smile as, "You're my next victim to annoy."

I did. I tried my best to ignore her. She didn't exist, I thought. I tried to adhere to the philosophy that until you observe something, it doesn't exist.

Exist she did. She yelled across the street at me, her voice smashing through all the speeding cars – "Do you mind if my dogs come over and say hi?" I think she was panting. Maybe she even soiled herself at the excitement of it all.

My social training flawlessly kicked in.

This is what I said – "Oh sorry, she's not very friendly", referring to the dog, of course. This is the baldest lie I have ever told. Completely shaven. The truth is that Sydney, the dog, is the most person-friendly canine I have ever met. She will stop to say hi to every human within a 5 kilometre radius, if she can smell them.

This is what I should have said – "Oh sorry, I'm not very friendly. I might even bite. Actually, I'm on a muzzle order, but I'm not wearing it now. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

As we walked in opposite directions, she kept staring at me, as if she didn't quite believe that Sydney was a danger. I don't blame her. Sydney has the friendliest face of the canine kingdom.

I love dogs. I also love my daughter. But when I'm dragging her around on her leash, that doesn't mean I want to meet other teenagers, and their parents. I most certainly don't need to cross a busy street to do it.

Maybe I should wear my muzzle from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm putting my body on Airplane Mode this Christmas.

Wit Bit

I'm putting my body on Airplane Mode this Christmas.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: As a joke, I went to Starbucks and ordered a tall fake blonde with brunette roots. They actually made it for me. Still, kind of embarrassing...

Wit Bit

As a joke, I went to Starbucks and ordered a tall fake blonde with brunette roots. They actually made it for me. Still, kind of embarrassing when they called out the drink name with my name.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm opening a Starbucks in the washroom of another Starbucks so you don't have to walk too far for your coffeelattemochafrappamacchi...

Wit Bit

I'm opening a Starbucks in the washroom of another Starbucks so you don't have to walk too far for your coffeelattemochafrappamacchiatoskinnyfatslimobesecinnamonvanillabutterscotch-
pumpkinespresso…drink.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: Tis the season – earlier and earlier every year. Soon we'll be celebrating the Christmas 10 years from now, NOW. You can't wish an...

Wit Bit

Tis the season – earlier and earlier every year. Soon we'll be celebrating the Christmas 10 years from now, NOW.

You can't wish anyone Merry Christmas anymore, and I hate saying Happy Holidays, so I just yell, "Wud jah get me?"

Monday, 6 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Apocalypse

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Apocalypse: I have some questions about the upcoming zombie apocalypse. If I'm a vegetarian when I'm alive, and then I become a zombie, wil...

Zombie Apocalypse


I have some questions about the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

If I'm a vegetarian when I'm alive, and then I become a zombie, will I want to eat human flesh? That is, after all, meat. Or say I'm a vegan. As a zombie, will I wrestle with the moral implications of eating animals – and human flesh, no less. Cannibalism. That's a huge dietary leap to make. Kind of like when I switched from smooth to crunchy peanut butter.

I imagine there might be a short period where my zombie body has to adjust to eating meat. Would I get diarrhea from that? I imagine having explosive diarrhea, even as a zombie, interferes with one's day. I'd be on the toilet all day instead of wandering around some forest 24/7 with all the other badly dressed zombies. That would have its embarrassments.

Would eating humans be mandatory? What if I started a splinter group of zombies that refuse to eat humans. Would I be ostracized? So what. I'd call it ZETH – Zombies for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. I'd start a website showing the horrible conditions under which zombies eat humans alive. It would be a scandal. I feel a hashtag coming on.

The other thing I don't get is why zombies choose to eat humans right off the bat. It's not like people are an easy meal. They can run or drive away, they have guns and arrows and swords, or they can move to a nice island retreat. I'd head directly to the meat section of a grocery store. It's a no-brainer. Meat that doesn't run away and isn't armed. Just sitting there. And free. No checkout hassles. Do I care if it's stale? I don't think so. "Best before infinity".

I don't think we have the best minds on this zombie problem.

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Idearrhea

Helloooo Newman: Idearrhea: I went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and asked to see the Beyond part. They couldn't tell me where it was. No one had a clue. All they c...

Idearrhea

I went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and asked to see the Beyond part. They couldn't tell me where it was. No one had a clue. All they could tell me is several other people went looking for it and haven't been seen since.


How come it's so easy to lawyer-up in the U.S. but really hard to doctor-up? No one even says "doctor-up". Lawyers take care of the "Liberty" part, so shouldn't doctors take care of the "Life" part? Guns, drugs, and hookers take care of the "Pursuit of Happiness" part.


What are "soft skills"? If I leave them out on the counter overnight will they get stale and become "hard skills"?


I saw a woman in Chapters reading a book called Five Steps to Making Your Dreams Come True. I made my own steps.
1. Hard work
2. Luck
3. Hard work
4. Luck
5. Hard work and luck
Mine's better because it fits in your back pocket.


Ever notice that the definition of traffic is all other cars but yours? If you think there's too much traffic, get off the road.


I hate those signs in stores that read, Yes, We Are Open. I prefer, No, We Are Not Closed.


Saturday, 4 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Stories of Remoteness

Helloooo Newman: Stories of Remoteness: Why is it called a remote control? It's always right there in my hand. It's my third hand. We're caressing cousins. Lovers. ...

Stories of Remoteness


Why is it called a remote control? It's always right there in my hand. It's my third hand. We're caressing cousins. Lovers. It whispers different channels softly into my ear. "Paul, come closer. There's an olive oil special on the Food Channel right now." It can't get any closer to my body unless I eat it, which I almost did once, mistaking it for my 12-inch Subway sandwich on pumpernickel and covered in M&Ms. My usual, unusual lunch.

I tried having my appendix removed and replaced with the remote. Didn't take. My body rejected it, plus my stomach crunches kept changing the channel.

For me, the remote is a modern day rosary. I caress its colourful buttons like Jesus beads. I pray with it. Dear Jesus, please bring out the next Stranger Things episode.

Sometimes, when my wife is mad at me, I pretend I can change her channel with the remote. "No honey, we're watching a comedy now. I'll be the laugh track. The slasher movie ended hours ago."

It only becomes a remote control when my wife pries it from my cold, dead hand to watch Grace and Frankie. I run out of the house to avoid that show, and become a remote husband.

Friday, 3 November 2017

Helloooo Newman: Brain Mush

Helloooo Newman: Brain Mush: The latest brain mush to come out of popular science is the finding that thinking about an activity, like playing the piano, makes the s...

Brain Mush


The latest brain mush to come out of popular science is the finding that thinking about an activity, like playing the piano, makes the same brain connections as practicing, and therefore it's the same as practicing.

Really? Does that apply to all activities?

Your heart surgery is about to begin. You have a moment to chat with the surgeon.

"Hey doc, you've done this operation lots of times, have you?"

"No, not at all, but I've thought about it a lot."

You reach for your Bible.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction

Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction: NO!!!  NO!!!  NO!!! I pleaded with Duchess. Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume. She wants to be a  chihuahua ...

Costume Malfunction


NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

I pleaded with Duchess.

Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume.

She wants to be a chihuahua.

NONSENSE!

"Duchess. We've gone over this. I just don't think people will buy it. Remember the two words I taught you. People will not buy that you are a chihuahua because there is a huge "credibility gap".

"And then I defined credibility gap for you. It would be like me dressing as Chewbacca, who is 7.1 feet tall (as played by Peter Mayhew). It won't wash. I'm more R2-D2, and I'm okay with that."

"Now come on, I'll get the brown paint and we'll go as Scooby-Doo again, okay?"

Monday, 30 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind: If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people? A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some co...

Colour Blind

If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people?

A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some colour, but not enough to suit a human.

I was thinking of something that really knows colours. Lives and breaths them. Mixes and matches them.

An interior decorator.

Colour blind people should have a seeing-colour-eye-decorator.

It's a great way for an interior decorator to make some extra cash. It would be better, though, if both were into S&M. That would help explain the collar around the interior decorator's neck and the leash hanging down.

Sunday, 29 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast: It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast. You might remember Duchess, from a previous blog. What's in her mouth? Is it a squirre...

A Dog's Breakfast


It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast.

You might remember Duchess from a previous blog.

What's in her mouth? Is it a squirrel? A dead puppy? The baby from A Cry in the Dark?

I call it a Mud McMuffin, and it's her breakfast.

Duchess has the uncanny ability to sniff out houses that have just spent thousands re-sodding their lawn and tears out the largest piece she can possibly carry. Wet sod for her is like dinner at Ruth's Chris for me.

Duchess carries this for the entire walk, or until I instruct her that she can proceed to prepare it for feasting. Preparation consists of vigorously shaking the mud/grass melange until it achieves a nice lightness to it, similar to a wonderfully flakey filo pastry. Then she dines on it in small pieces, being careful not to overload her sensitive digestive system. Her digestion seems fine to me, since she also eats acorns, chestnuts, candy wrappers, bones, deer feces, cars, and the occasional person.

Why don't I remove it from her mouth? Well, later in the day I teach piano, and I need my hands and arms for that.

Don't you get hungry just looking at this?