Monday, 22 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Powered Water

Helloooo Newman: Powered Water: Does water need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? What if it runs out of water? It can't drink itself, can it? Why don't we ha...

Powered Water


Does water need to drink 8 glasses of water a day? What if it runs out of water? It can't drink itself, can it?

Why don't we have powered water?

It makes sense. You're lost in the dessert and you really need a drink, you pull out your powered water and just mix it with…

Oh crap.

I see the problem.


Thursday, 18 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Out to Lunch

Helloooo Newman: Out to Lunch: Everyone says, "Paul, you are always out to lunch", and then I read that there's no such thing as a free lunch. I can&#39...

Out to Lunch


Everyone says, "Paul, you are always out to lunch", and then I read that there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I can't afford any more of these lunches.


Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Cultural Appropriation

Helloooo Newman: Cultural Appropriation: Hmmmm…that would make a great blog! I'd love to try foods from various cultures, like Taco Bell, but I don't want to culturally...

Cultural Appropriation

Hmmmm…is diarrhea a good blog topic?

I'd love to try foods from various cultures, like Taco Bell, but I don't want to culturally appropriate explosive diarrhea.


Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Think Tank

Helloooo Newman: Think Tank: I might join a think tank . I'm thinking about it, that is. Not one actually joins a think tank. One only thinks about it. If you...

Think Tank


I might join a think tank.

I'm thinking about it, that is. Not one actually joins a think tank. One only thinks about it.

If you actually join a think tank, you have surpassed thinking and are now "doing" something.

That would be a "do tank", and the last kind of tank I want to join is a tank that requires me to do things.

Does all the thinking have to be done in a tank? I'm not sure. Will everyone fit? Will there be air conditioning and snacks?

What kind of tank is it? A military tank would be cool. A gasoline tank not so much.

The idea of a think mattress sounds more enticing to me. All my best thinking is done on a mattress.

My wife is joining an overthink tank, because she overthinks everything. The hours are very long.

"Hey Bill, you know that thing we were thinking about yesterday? I went and did it."

"You actually did it? Get out of here. You're fired."


Monday, 15 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Top Secret

Helloooo Newman: Top Secret: Donald Trump released highly classified information to the Russian government that he is a complete idiot.  He also revealed the s...

Top Secret



Donald Trump released highly classified information to the Russian government that he is a complete idiot. 

He also revealed the secret sources and methods used to discover this information, which included speaking to Mr. Trump, asking him questions and listening to his answers.

The ramifications are reverberating.


Friday, 12 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: The Ovaltine Office

Helloooo Newman: The Ovaltine Office: Trump and Russian agent ( I meant Ambassador ) Kislyak, chumming before sitting down to a nice cup of Ovaltine in the Oval office. Cod...

The Ovaltine Office



Trump and Russian agent (I meant Ambassador) Kislyak, chumming before sitting down to a nice cup of Ovaltine in the Oval office.

Code Name: Kislyak

Real Name: Kiss My Ass You Lackey

Agent Kiss My Ass smuggled listening devices in his goiter. Impossible to detect, hidden beneath successively smaller and smaller goiters, Russian doll style.

Who's the happy one in this photo?


Helloooo Newman: SIRI-US

Helloooo Newman: SIRI-US: Sometimes when my iPhone is in my pocket and it vibrates, I'm convinced it's SIRI flirting with me. It's getting SIRI betwe...

SIRI-US


Sometimes when my iPhone is in my pocket and it vibrates, I'm convinced it's SIRI flirting with me.

It's getting SIRI between us.


Thursday, 11 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Lavrovian

Helloooo Newman: Lavrovian: This guy? This guy is laughing at US ? The big Us as in U.S.? I don't think sooooooo. His first mistake in life was asking h...

Lavrovian


This guy?

This guy is laughing at US?

The big Us as in U.S.?

I don't think sooooooo.

His first mistake in life was asking his plastic surgeon to move his eyes closer together.

Did they mix up metric and imperial? Something went very wrong.

His brain: "Jesus man, I can't see a thing. What did you do out there?"

His second mistake is messing with Donald Trump.

Okay, that wasn't really a mistake. It was brilliant, actually.

Yet again, no one seems to be able to bring shame to the most shameful people on earth.


Helloooo Newman: Comedienne?

Helloooo Newman: Comedienne?: Let me out of this damn cave Do we really need a different word for a female comedian. Is a female doctor a doctorienne ? Painterien...

Comedienne?

Let me out of this damn cave

Do we really need a different word for a female comedian.

Is a female doctor a doctorienne? Painterienne?

SCENE
Comedy begins, millions of years ago, in a club called Prehysterical:

"C'est what? A woman wants to perform? What do we call her? She's not a comedian. She's a…a WOMAN."

"How did she get out of the cave?"

"I forgot to move the boulder in front of the opening. Great, now we have to think of a new word. It took me 6 months to come up with penis."

"What about Nuisance?"

"Kinda mean, but I like it."

Somehow they settled on comedienne. And history taught us that women can't be as funny as men.

Women like Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Whoopi Goldberg, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Ellen Degeneres, Gilda Radner, Betty White, Kate McKinnon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sarah Silverman, Jane Curtin, Maya Rudolph, Samantha Bee, Lily Tomlin, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy (genius), Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Madeline Kahn, Jane Lynch, Mary Tyler Moore, Cloris Leachman, Amy Schumer, Tracey Ullman, Catherine O'Hara, Vicki Lawrence, Bernadette Peters…

This is not in order of when men let them out of the cave to perform.

Not a funny comedian among them.

Shit. I meant comedienne.


Helloooo Newman: Timing Is Everything

Helloooo Newman: Timing Is Everything: I've been practicing my comedic timing. I can now tell a joke at 200 beats per minute. My goal is to tell a joke so fast, the human ...

Timing Is Everything



I've been practicing my comedic timing. I can now tell a joke at 200 beats per minute. My goal is to tell a joke so fast, the human ear can't perceive it. When you come to my really big shoe, you will get more jokes per hour than any other comedian.


Helloooo Newman: Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question

Helloooo Newman: Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question: President Trump's new White House press secretary

Sorry, I Can't Hear Your Question


President Trump's new White House press secretary


Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Men's Book Club

Helloooo Newman: Men's Book Club: I'm super excited about men's book club next week. Our book is I Ain't Got Time To Bleed, by Jesse Ventura. Being a write...

Men's Book Club


I'm super excited about men's book club next week.

Our book is I Ain't Got Time To Bleed, by Jesse Ventura. Being a writer, I insist on grammatically correcting it to Do I Have Time To Bleed? No, and Arnie is a Pussy.

Imagine being bold enough to write about your manopause. Ironically, or maybe not, this is the time of Jesse's finest acting, before he was abducted by aliens and his brain replaced with an expired Brita filter.

Last week we critiqued the dictionary, which I felt was overwritten and in huge need of a quality editor. And that was only reading to the letter F. It's not just too wordy. It's too lettery.

In the summer we are studying Goop Clean Beauty by the one and only Gwyneth Paltrow. It's at my house and I'm just so not sure what kind of scented candles I'll choose.

My favourite so far has been The Unibomber Manifesto. Not an easy read, but worth the trouble, plus I was puke drunk when I read it.


Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Spice of Lies

Helloooo Newman: Spice of Lies: Hmmmm. I wonder what lie I will sell today. I used to be a Warden at an all-lesbian prison with women who had pre-existing conditions, ...

Spice of Lies


Hmmmm. I wonder what lie I will sell today.

I used to be a Warden at an all-lesbian prison with women who had pre-existing conditions, such as being lesbian.

I was an underwear model for a while.

I cut my suit sleeves short so they won't get dirty when I shove my hand up the President's rectum, searching for the truth. Okay, that one's true.

You. In the rear. With a question?


Helloooo Newman: Bend Over Backwards

Helloooo Newman: Bend Over Backwards: Every day I'm grateful for not being in Cirque de Soleil. If I was, I wouldn't be able to employ one of my favourite phrases: Be...

Bend Over Backwards



Every day I'm grateful for not being in Cirque de Soleil. If I was, I wouldn't be able to employ one of my favourite phrases: Bend over backwards.

I use it on my wife all the time. "I bend over backwards cutting the lawn for this family." "I bend over backwards putting my own clothes away." "I bend over backwards eating the dinner you cook every day."

Drives her crazy, because there's no good comeback for my logic. I DO bend over backwards, and fuck — it hurts.

Now, if I were in Cirque de Soleil, bending over backwards would be a normal day for me. It wouldn't hurt. I would enjoy it. Please, give me a chore that requires me to bend over backwards. And swing on a rope.

Where would that leave me when I want to stump my wife with a solid argument? With my butt cheek in my mouth cheek, instead of my tongue.

Incidentally, I bend over backwards writing this blog.

You're Welcome.

Monday, 8 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: You know what I miss about rotary phones?  It was so easy to talk and do my nails at the same time.

Musings and Woes



You know what I miss about rotary phones? 
It was so easy to talk and do my nails at the same time.


Sunday, 7 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Welsher

Helloooo Newman: Welsher: I've translated my name into Welsh, and I would appreciate it if everyone called me by that name from now on: crwrcvmcynghanedawedld...

Welsher


I've translated my name into Welsh, and I would appreciate it if everyone called me by that name from now on:

crwrcvmcynghanedawedld

You can shorten it to crwrcvmcynghanedawedl if you want
(leaving out the last "d")

Diolch.


Friday, 5 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.

Musings and Woes



It's hard being just friends with myself because the sex thing always gets in the way.


Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: With all this rain, I'm skipping my 8 glasses of water today.

Musings and Woes


With all this rain, I'm skipping my 8 glasses of water today.


Thursday, 4 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: For The Dogs

Helloooo Newman: For The Dogs: The best job in the world is dog walker. That's because your client, the dog, can't complain. Mom: Hey Rover, how was your wa...

For The Dogs



The best job in the world is dog walker. That's because your client, the dog, can't complain.

Owner: Hey Rover, how was your walk today with the pack?

Rover: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We didn't go to the park.

Owner: You didn't? What did you do?

Rover: We went to the dude's basement apartment.

Owner: What! Why?

Rover: Well, he was tired so we hung out on the guy's bed while he jacked-off to some show called Pretty Little Liars and ate cheesies.

Owner: That's disgusting. We're never going back to him again.

Rover: Actually it wasn't too bad. He has a water bed so Gus, Sadie and I bounced around like we were on the ocean. Not a bad show, either.

Owner: That's not what I pay him for.

Rover: Well, that's a good point. Whatever you think is best.

Never gonna happen.


Helloooo Newman: Airbnb

Helloooo Newman: Airbnb: I stayed at the Jane Eyre bnb last month. A novel concept, but way too much reading. I moved to the more adventurous Nike Air bnb . ...

Airbnb



I stayed at the Jane Eyre bnb last month. A novel concept, but way too much reading.

I moved to the more adventurous Nike Air bnb. Very comfortable, but with all that running around, I was exhausted.

Now I can stay on my own bnb. A relative left me his bnb, which I call Heir bnb.


Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Helloooo Newman: Crying Track

Helloooo Newman: Crying Track: Why don't they have cry tracks in tv shows? They have laugh tracks. Why not cry tracks? The laugh track really helped me enjoy s...

Crying Track



Why don't they have cry tracks in tv shows?

They have laugh tracks. Why not cry tracks?

The laugh track really helped me enjoy shows like MASH properly. There's nothing as embarrassing as laughing out of sync. Or emitting the wrong kind of laugh.

That was a funny scene. Hmmm, what kind of laugh is appropriate? A chuckle, chortle, guffaw, giggle, a snigger or a snicker, a howl, the infamous LOL, ROFL, or maybe just a polite tee-hee?

Isn't laughing complicated?

They should put crying tracks in movies, too. That way, I know when and how hard to cry in a movie like The Notebook. That movie should have two crying tracks. One for the woman, who is upset about what's happening, and one for the man, who's upset about being made to sit through it.

Other good tracks include:
boredom track
restless track
snoozing track
confused track
more butter on my popcorn track

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Helloooo Newman: Extremely Bright Idea

Helloooo Newman: Extremely Bright Idea: Friday night I was discussing with a cohort those restaurants where you eat in the dark. It's called blind dining . (see O.Noir...

Extremely Bright Idea










Friday night I was discussing with a cohort those restaurants where you eat in the dark. It's called blind dining. (see O.Noir in Toronto)

That got me thinking. You know what happens when I think, don't you?

I am inventing bright dining, where the lights are so bright that you also can't see anything. Other than light.

This gives the public a clear choice between the dark side and the light side.

I included a picture of the restaurant above. Trust me, the food looks great.

Couple of kinks:

1. Each dinner costs $1,200, to pay for the electrical bill and make some profit
2. People must sign a waiver for possible retinal damage, cataracts etc.

Keep your eyes closed for the opening of the first bright dining experience.


Friday, 28 April 2017

Helloooo Newman: Nutritional Advice

Helloooo Newman: Nutritional Advice: Nutritionists have decided that people drowning can forgo the 8-glasses-of-water-a-day rule, but they still shouldn't swim on a ...