Sunday, 22 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: It's Finally All Coming Together for Me

Helloooo Newman: It's Finally All Coming Together for Me: Great news for me. One of my articles has finally been accepted by  The New Yorker . Not only that. The editor told me that on the ...

It's Finally All Coming Together for Me




Great news for me.

One of my articles has finally been accepted by The New Yorker.

Not only that. The editor told me that on the day they reviewed all the entrants, Woody Allen happened to be in the office and pointed out my submission as an exceptional piece of comedy.

It's a $5,000 pay day.

Aren't you glad you know me?

The above are, by the way, alternative facts.




Saturday, 21 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Undercover Boss

Helloooo Newman: Undercover Boss: Maybe the American Presidency is an episode of Undercover Boss. "Donald Trump" is a horrid costume to disguise his real ide...

Undercover Boss




Maybe the American Presidency is an episode of Undercover Boss.

"Donald Trump" is a horrid costume to disguise his real identity.

After feedback for his "employees", he'll take off the shroud, and it will be Jesus.

He'll give everyone $50,000 and time off for their suffering.




Friday, 20 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: B48

Helloooo Newman: B48: I'm taking B12 for more energy, but it's not working. I need at least a B48. I could also use some C4 first thing in the...

B48




I'm taking B12 for more energy, but it's not working.

I need at least a B48.

I could also use some C4 first thing in the morning to get me out of bed.

My D2R keeps me focused.

My E goes to 11.

And there's nothing like my K9 to keep me happy.



Helloooo Newman: Where Were You Born?

Helloooo Newman: Where Were You Born?: Now I wanna see Trump's earthcertificate.

Alien Sent to Destroy Us?




Now I wanna see Trump's earthcertificate.



Helloooo Newman: Counting the Seconds

Helloooo Newman: Counting the Seconds: Only 126,144,000 seconds until Donald Trump's term ends.

Counting the Seconds




Only 126,144,000 seconds until Donald Trump's term ends.
Worst case: 252,288,000 seconds






Thursday, 19 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: gnillepS seeB

Helloooo Newman: gnillepS seeB: Why don't we have gnilleps seeb for people with dyslexia? I suggest declaring the winner at the beginning.

gnillepS seeB




Why don't we have gnilleps seeb for people with dyslexia?

I suggest declaring the winner at the beginning.



Helloooo Newman: Finding God

Helloooo Newman: Finding God: The last place I look for God is in the Bible. I don't think He's even read it. Yesterday I found God in this:  https://www.y...

Finding God




The last place I look for God is in the Bible. I don't think He even wants to read it.

"This book makes me look so mean. I'm not that mean."

Yesterday I found God in this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB9INrprn0M

And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vf42IP__ipw. I have no idea what they're singing about, except some kind of flower. It's better that I don't know.

I also find him in a good pizza crust. Yes, there's nothing like a good, chewy-on-the-inside and crispy-on-the-outside pizza crust to find God.

I have yet to find the Virgin Mary in my crust.



Helloooo Newman: Booger Prevention Month

Helloooo Newman: Booger Prevention Month: Why don't dogs get boogers? I think this needs more study, in the hopes of preventing booger buildup in humans.

Booger Prevention Month




Why don't dogs get boogers?
I think this needs more study, in the hopes of preventing booger buildup in humans.
Landfill sites are full of boogers.



Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Hippo Deaths Rising

Helloooo Newman: Hippo Deaths Rising: Did you know the hippocampus is responsible for more human fatalities  in Africa than any other animal? Be very afraid.

Hippo Deaths Rising



Did you know the hippocampus is responsible for more human fatalities 
in Africa than any other animal?

Be very afraid.



Helloooo Newman: Bong Disposal

Helloooo Newman: Bong Disposal: I'm going into the bong disposal business. Dangerous work but it must be done.

Bong Disposal




I'm going into the bong disposal business.

Dangerous work but it must be done.



Helloooo Newman: The Horned Melon Rub

Helloooo Newman: The Horned Melon Rub: Congratulations to Matthew McConaughey for committing so much to his new role by gaining 50 lbs. For my next blog, on healthy fruit, ...

The Horned Melon Rub




Congratulations to Matthew McConaughey for committing so much to his new role by gaining 50 lbs.

For my next blog, on healthy fruit, I will swallow a large bag of persimmons, followed by a rambutan juice cleanse, and finally a back rub using the essence of a horned melon.

All while I write.

I think you should know how committed I am to the process.

BUT – I don't go bragging about it on t.v., do I?




Helloooo Newman: Javascript

Helloooo Newman: Javascript: All this time, I've been an expert in javascript.

Javascript




All this time, I've been an expert in javascript.



Monday, 16 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: March Madness

Helloooo Newman: March Madness: I'm so excited to be going away March Break for the first time in my life. Since I'll be on a beach, I need to get in shape ...

March Madness




I'm so excited to be going away March Break for the first time in my life.

Since I'll be on a beach, I need to get in shape like mad.

For this trip, I've picked a butternut squash shape. And I'm almost there. Just put a speedo on the squash above and you have the picture.

The location is classified, mostly cuz Justin Trudeau might show up and give me a hug.



Helloooo Newman: The Fast Lane

Helloooo Newman: The Fast Lane: I tried fasting last Saturday. Why is it called fasting ? It was the slowest, longest, most agonizing day of my life. The next ...

The Fast Lane


I tried fasting last Saturday.

Why is it called fasting? It was the slowest, longest, most agonizing day of my life.

The next day was half as long, and I ate twice as much.



Sunday, 15 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Las Vegan

Helloooo Newman: Las Vegan: Just got back from Las Vegan. What happens in Las Vegan stays in your stomach for 8 hours, slowly moving to your colon, giving you ca...

Las Vegan




Just got back from Las Vegan.

What happens in Las Vegan stays in Las Vegan. Actually, it stays in your stomach for 8 hours, slowly moving to your colon, giving you cancer and killing you.

The house always wins.



Saturday, 14 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Soft Lights, Camera, Action

Helloooo Newman: Soft Lights, Camera, Action: As I age, my life is more and more of a movie. Lighting is all-important. I can only bare to shave by soft candlelight. Anything brig...

Soft Lights, Camera, Action




As I age, my life is more and more of a movie. Lighting is all-important.

I can only bare to shave by soft candlelight. Anything brighter and I look like a spent dryer sheet – or the offspring of Keith Richards and a Chinese Shar-Pei.

Boy, I hope I don't wake up one morning and find a dog's head in my bed. Not that movie!



Helloooo Newman: Vegan Meat

Helloooo Newman: Vegan Meat: I've finally made the switch to vegan meat. That's meat from an animal that is off meat.

Vegan Meat



I've finally made the switch to vegan meat.
That's meat from an animal that is off meat.



Friday, 13 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: 1001 Wines

Helloooo Newman: 1001 Wines: There's an old advertising writer's trick that you need to be aware of. (Yes, you can end a sentence with "of") P...

1001 Wines




There's an old advertising writer's trick that you need to be aware of.

(Yes, you can end a sentence with "of")

Perhaps you've read these books:

11 Routes to a Fuller Orgasm
9 Teen-Raising Strategies that Don't Involve Skin Lacerations
1001 Wines

Can you guess the trick?

Here's the trick: When making a list, never use even numbers. Readers are more convinced by odd numbers because, so the argument goes, it seems less deliberate, as if the writer went to great lengths to weed out the "best of".

(Again with the "of")

You don't want a book on the 1000 best wines. You need that one last bottle, the one the writer almost forgot because he was tangled in the grapevines, shit-faced on the first thousand bottles.

Author: Sam, stop the press. I found that one extra bottle.
Publisher: It's at the book store.
Author: What are people going to do with the 1000 best wines, you moron? It's ruined.

Don't even bother drinking that last bottle of wine or having that 11th orgasm. Your thirst will not be slaked and the orgasm will most assuredly be faked.

And forget the teen-raising strategies. None of them will work. Just go with physical violence.



Thursday, 12 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: The Elephone in the Room

Helloooo Newman: The Elephone in the Room: Okay, the iPhone is getting too big now. I don't think this will fit in my car.

The Elephone in the Room





Okay, the iPhone is getting too big now. I don't think this will fit in my car.



Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Heaven Going to the Dogs?

Helloooo Newman: Heaven Going to the Dogs?: What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Is your life but a mere horror-d'oeuvre before the luxurious  all-inclusive meal? Is Heave...

Heaven Going to the Dogs?




What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Is your life but a mere horror-d'oeuvre before the luxurious all-inclusive meal? Is Heaven eagerly awaiting your arrival (but not too soon I hope)?

I think if there's an afterlife for peeps, there must be one for dogs. You can't tell me that Heaven let's me in (have you seen my morning face?) but doesn't roll out the cloud for the likes of Newman's cutes.

No dog owner on earth believes in Heaven, but simultaneously believes their dog won't be patiently waiting for them.

That would constitute dognitive dissonance.

But hang on a dog-tootin' moment. If dogs are in Heaven, there's dog poop all over Heaven. Alive, Newman can't use a toilet, and I don't see that changing in Heaven, where everything is about relaxing and floating around, not learning new skills.

The Holy Bible is mute on all this, as far as I can make it out. Don't quote me, as the last time I read The Holy Bible I was vacationing on the holodeck with Tasha Yar after inhaling jugs of Jig-A-Loo used for a BBQ cleaning.

If Heaven is covered in dog poop, that ain't Heaven. That's my backyard. My backyard ain't Heaven.

Therefore, there's no Heaven and no afterlife for anyone.

Now get back to life. Your dog is hungry.



Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: A New Perspective on Parking

Helloooo Newman: A New Perspective on Parking: The Voyager 1 probe was launched from earth in 1977. Its mission is to probe space. That's why it's called a probe. Voyager ...

A New Perspective on Parking




The Voyager 1 probe was launched from earth in 1977. Its mission is to probe space. That's why it's called a probe.

Voyager 1 trots along at a healthy 62,140 km/h, has travelled nearly 20 billion kilometres in almost 40 years, and still hasn't left our solar system.

Maybe it's not unreasonable that I have to park two blocks away from the dentist and walk.




Helloooo Newman: Studies Show?

Helloooo Newman: Studies Show?: A new study finally shows that studies don't show things,  showing that studies show things.

Studies Show?



A new study shows that studies don't show things, 
thereby showing that studies show things.



Sunday, 8 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Like a Yoyo

Helloooo Newman: Like a Yoyo: It's time we retire the word "yoyo" to describe events that go wildly up and down all the time, like the weather. It&#...

Like a Yoyo




It's time we retire the word "yoyo" to describe events that go wildly up and down all the time, like the weather.

It's stale, boring, and let's face it, when was the last time you yoyoed? I didn't think so.

"Oh, isn't this weather crazy? -10 today, +3 yesterday. Up and down like a yoyo."

Gggrroooaaann.

Every time I tried "Walk the Dog", it resembled "Putting the Dog Down". The damn yoyo wouldn't come back up. The string would tangle and I'd throw the mess at my brother.

One time it came up directly into my scrotum. That's called "Fucking the Dog".

I think a much more effective term is Bipolar Person. "This climate change, it's turning the weather into a bipolar person."

Then you can follow up with, "I wish this weather would make up its mind. It's so moody."

Isn't that beautiful? It also publicizes the plight of bipolar people, who need our help.

"Another bipolar day. Shit, that reminds me, have to take my meds."

I considered "erection", but for most men this is always up for half their life and then down for the rest. There's not enough "up and down" there.

Others I considered were "drowning person" (bobs up and down until they die), "crack addict" and "trampoline artist".

I think you'll agree "bipolar person" wins it.




Helloooo Newman: Cereal Hacker

Helloooo Newman: Cereal Hacker: Putin hacked my Alpha-Bits and changed the letters to cerealic

Cereal Hacker





Putin hacked my Alpha-Bits and changed the letters to cerealic.

Or is that cyrillic? Ya, that.




Friday, 6 January 2017

Helloooo Newman: Mammogram

Helloooo Newman: Mammogram: Who came up with the word mammogram ? I'm guessing a man. Mammogram is too similar to words like cookiegram and balloonagram fo...

Mammogram




Who came up with the word mammogram? I'm guessing a man.

Mammogram is too similar to words like cookiegram and balloonagram for my comfort. I might venture a guess that the man who coined this term wasn't getting the serious nature of the topic. Typical man thing to do.

It sounds like something delivered by a stripper to an office party.

"Hey Jim, you got a mammogram out front. You'll never get through all that. Gonna share?"

I've come up with some far superior names. They combine the playful, to reduce anxiety around the procedure, and the serious, so we're all on the same page about the vital nature of this test.

Mamm Exam: I love the lyrical rhyme, paired with the clinical nature of the description. Almost like pairing a nice red wine with a well-marbled side of beef.

Breast Test: A little less clinical, but still love the rhyme.

Tit Test: Before you get mad at me for the crudeness of "tit", remember that "tit" is the name of a bird. Context is everything. Okay, this might be the wrong context, but the alliteration is funky.

Let's wait to see which one of these terms gets widely-adopted by doctors.