Friday, 20 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: Someone was following me last night. Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and th...

Blurbs and Woe

Someone was following me last night.

Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and then some.

But it was dark out, and you never know these days.

Could I take him? Gouge his eyes out with the car keys maybe. I'd have to warn him first.

Stand my ground. Look him in the eye. Flinch not.

Why are you following me? Stop following me!!

OH SHIT.

Then I realized I was on Twitter.

I put the car keys away.

Thursday, 19 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Genius

Helloooo Newman: Genius: When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Hu...

Genius

When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Huggies and Bounty (the thicker, quicker picker-upper).

That way my genius no longer takes 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. Now it's more like half a percent perspiration, even less inspiration and 99.3215% scratching myself.

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps: I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be ea...

My Brain Not On Google Maps


I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be easy to find. Like my own house.

My I.Q. drops like the Nasdaq and I'm a flibbering idiot.

"Excuse me, can you give me directions to your house?"

"Duh, okay. You turn straight, duh, and then you doopey doo down there, and then…"

After the person drives away you realize you gave the wrong directions. So you try to exit the neighbourhood before you run into the person again.

"Hey, shit head. Thanks for the detour (throws beer bottle).

"You've lived in Toronto how long?"

"All my life but, you know, a third of that time was spent sleeping."

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks: For those elegant, refined and pretentious folks, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

I'm A Star Bucks


For those elegant, refined, pretentious, hoity-toity folk, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

Saturday, 14 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron .

Blurbs and Woe


I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron.

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table: I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook." Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am. ...

Vibrating Off the Table


I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook."

Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am.

It's been replaced with, "My phone has been vibrating off the table, smashing on the floor and costing me another $800."

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor: I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Occam's Razor


I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Friday, 13 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain: Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less) , co...

Brain Down the Drain


Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less), could ever imagine it is attractive to women.

Initial findings suggest the above "person" is the genetic result of sex between a pit bull and a gourd, and that it created a new brain part that isn't just completely divorced from reality, but was never married to it in the first place.

LOCK HIM UP!

Helloooo Newman: The Knob

Helloooo Newman: The Knob: If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door? "Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonig...

The Knob

If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door?

"Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonight only for The Door, The Knob"

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter: Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers; I have terrible news. After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York ...

A Dear Newman Letter

Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers;

I have terrible news.

After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York Times and turn off Two Broke Girls, you will again be subjected to vile, empty and often stolen humour.

Unforeseen circumstances made me too exhausted to churn out my lowbrow (and sometimes unibrow) comedy.

I've been wrestling with some pretty big challenges. Scientists just discovered where half of the missing matter in the universe resides, which explains my four chins and drooping jowls.

I opened a can of beans this morning. You know when you are making the very last tiny cut on the metal lid of a can and the lid, which is ever-so-fucking-slightly smaller than the can, falls into the beans? Goddamn, try removing that. It's easier just to eat it.

Like a category 1000 hurricane hitting some far off island, that's part of a rich country, the blogs will be stormin' at you.

Hold on tight…



PS: Did you know doctors have discovered that not reading Helloooo Newman daily causes IBS? Or maybe it was reading it daily that causes IBS. I'll have to reread that and let you know.

Thursday, 5 October 2017

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess: Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk. Duchess Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my ...

Dography: Duchess

Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk.


Duchess
Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my favourite dog, save for Newman.

This is her head. Think of it as the tip of a fantastically large iceberg. Much larger than the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. She is also much larger than the Titanic, harder to sink, and her mouth can save more passengers than all the Titanic lifeboats.

Don't be fooled by the scale in this picture. Those two trees in the background are 400 foot redwood Sequoias, reduced to Bonsai status beside Duchess.

Duchess likes to eat stale grass in a wet mud couscous, as well as some of the cuter infants that stroll around the neighbourhood in carriages. Strangely enough, upon finishing a baby, she spits out the diaper. I would have pegged that as the best part, thinking dog-like.

The awesome thing about walking Duchess is that I get a 5-kilometre area to myself due to the public-wide fear she instills. Imagine a 50s Japanese Godzilla movie, stomping through a village as the panicked residents flee, screaming in mismatched vocals. That's why her nickname is Dogzilla.

The truth is that Duchess is a huge sweetheart and a gigantic suck. She loves belly rubs and discussing the finer points of Hemingway's work. Notice the furrowed brow, denoting a well-read dog. I have trouble keeping up because it requires me to read.

She also speaks Great Danish fluently.

No, that's not a muzzle on her face. It's a harmless halti, which allows me to control her movements because she's Ronda Rousey and I'm Pee-wee Herman. She could still eat me if she so desired.

I do nothing to dispel the "Duchess as monster" myth. Who doesn't want a neighbourhood to themselves.

Saturday, 30 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko

Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko: Trump is on to them. The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them. It's true. You know who else ...

Puerto You-Owe


Trump is on to them.

The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them.

It's true.

You know who else wants everything done for them?

Cancer patients.

Patient: Excuse me, doctor? Can I have more chemotherapy?

Doctor: You again? You're becoming a real nuisance. I think you've stretched the concept of "patient" a little too far.

Even worse are unconscious people, like, say, survivors found in a plane crash. They must be removed, at great expense, by other people so they can be saved. Is it really worth it? I mean, if the unconscious person isn't willing to haul his own ass out of razor-sharp twisted metal. Should we encourage rescue, so that all unconscious people will now expect help? I-I-I-I d-o-o-o-o-n't know.

The worst offenders are dead people. When my dad died, I guess he expected us to call the funeral home and arrange things. He didn't lift a finger. In fact, we had to lift him. Embarrasing.

Stop asking for help, unless you don't want it.

Helloooo Newman: GOT

Helloooo Newman: GOT: I think my wife is a little to deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

GOT


I think my wife is a little too deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

Friday, 29 September 2017

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah: Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race. Women still aren't 100% people, but with today&#39...

Driving Miss Shariah

Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race.

Women still aren't 100% people, but with today's announcement, they are now 5.375% people. That's about the same status as women on Venus.

Women will be allowed to drive a car. Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves. They need permission. From a man. Not just any man. The man that constantly screws around on her. The husband.

There are restrictions.

Women cannot drive a stick shift, as they might mistake this for a penis, and next thing you know the family unit falls apart.

Speaking of the tightly knit family, the woman must agree to first drop her husband off at his mistresses' house, and pick him up after he's finished his efforts at keeping the family together.

They are only allowed to steer in one direction, that direction being towards the kitchen. Slowly, over 1000 years, other directions will be introduced, until they can actually get somewhere.

They can only press the gas pedal and brake for 10 seconds at a time. Again, slowly over 1000 years, longer pedal pressing times will be introduced, until they can actually steer around objects or prevent the car from crashing into them. (please refer to steering rules above)

They cannot listen to My Sharona on the radio, because it sounds too much like My Shariah.

It's a slippery slope. Women will soon ask to drive men crazy with unreasonable demands, like, "Hey honey, can I be the only women you screw tonight?", or, "How about when you cheat with another woman, we cut your head off too?"

Progress.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Ish

Helloooo Newman: Ish: I'm confused by "ish" . We ask, "What time should we be at the party?" "Oh, 8:30 ish is fine." That ...

Ish

I'm confused by "ish".

We ask, "What time should we be at the party?"

"Oh, 8:30ish is fine."

That doesn't mean 8:30, get it? You're left hanging. The "ish", three simple letters, completely erases your obligation to show up at the suggested time – 8:30. It throws all your plans into a jumbled mess of maybeish. Maybe it's 8:20, could be 9:00.

You would think "ish" could at least give you an idea of the exact time you should arrive. It doesn't.

"Hey "ish", what time should I really arrive? Is 9:10 okay?"

"Beats me", responds "ish". "My job is to let you know that the time the person suggested actually isn't the time you should come. I wasn't even invited, so beat it."

We could extend "ish".

"What should I bring to the party?"

"Wineish".

Does that mean my grandfather's wine, sitting in the basement since WWII?

"Ish" is so powerful. If the word ends in "ish", it means almost, but not quite.

But what about "accomplish"?

My dad always said, "Why don't you go out and accomplish something great, son?"

Hmmm. How do I do that? How do I almost, sort of, approximately, but not quite, do something great? How do I accomplish? Does he want me to become a famous lawyer or not? Maybe I should drop out after first year, and almost become a lawyer. Or maybe I should just be a really bad lawyer. How about a convict, who uses lawyers, but isn't one himself. I'm not sure which.

I wish I understood, but there's that "ish" again. Wishes are wishy washy. Wishes are kinda wanting something, but not really trying hard to get it.

"I wish I was a lawyer, but I'm going back to bed."

So that's why I didn't do anything great, dad.

Blame it on bad English.

Helloooo Newman: Golfing

Helloooo Newman: Golfing: I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Golfing


I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Sunday, 24 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn: Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen?  That's the real issue.

Stormborn


Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen? 
That's the real issue.

Saturday, 23 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat: Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I would need to know what a tat is, and whether I could get it for something less...

Tit for Tat

Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I need to know what a tat is, do they come in pairs, like tits, and whether I could get it for something less valuable. Tits are quite worthwhile, in my book anyway. I would trade a tit for the new Tesla. That I would do.

We use tit for tat when someone does us wrong, and we get them back. If someone tats me, I tit them back? I don't know. I'd say they're the winner in that scenario. Maybe I'll substitute them with some man boobs.


Helloooo Newman: Business 101

Helloooo Newman: Business 101: It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex  business deals over a simple covfefe and dotard.

Business 101

It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex 
business deals over a simple covfefe and a dotard.

Friday, 22 September 2017

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch: You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won't boil? Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totall...

Checking Your Watch

You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won't boil?

Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totally stare it down, 
it won't get any warmer.

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: If music be the food of love, play on.

Helloooo Newman: If music be the food of love, play on.: The health food craze continues unabated. And yet no one ever sings its praises. Except for Helloooo Newman. KELP!  (sung to the tun...

If music be the food of love, play on.


The health food craze continues unabated. And yet no one ever sings its praises.

Except for Helloooo Newman.

KELP! (sung to the tune HELP!, by The Beatles)

KELP! I need some salad
KELP! I'm looking awfully pallid
KELP! You know I need some veg
K-E-L-P!

When I was younger and I ate some KFC
I dry heaved bones and then I ate some Harvey's
And now my arteries are clogged and I know the cause
I have a call to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz

Kelp me if you can I'm Krispy Kremeing
And I'm watching lots of food porn, live streaming
Kelp my colon please it needs some cleaning
Won't you please, please kelp me
Kelp me, kelp me-ee-ee, ooooh


ps: if you have trouble matching words to music, call me and I'll sing it to you.

Monday, 18 September 2017

Helloooo Newman: Foodie

Helloooo Newman: Foodie: I prefer food the way it was meant to be. Eaten.

Foodie

I prefer food the way it was meant to be.
Eaten.

Helloooo Newman: Stop Speaking Infantish

Helloooo Newman: Stop Speaking Infantish: For goodness sake, if you want to train your dog properly, stop speaking infantish to him. Your dog is  not  a human infant. The reason...

Stop Speaking Infantish


For goodness sake, if you want to train your dog properly, stop speaking infantish to him.

Your dog is not a human infant. The reason we speak googly talk to infants is that we are training them early on to speak an entire language. Your dog will only ever recognize a few words and, surprisingly, will never actually speak them. To form the basic "ma", "ba", "fa", "la" sounds, the dog needs lips at least as big as Mick Jagger's, and you have to replace his tongue, which is as useful as a flattened piece of double bubble on the road. The tongue must contact the palate in a firm way to produce these sounds. No dog has this.

What I'm saying is your dog is stupid, albeit in a very cute way. I think on the I.Q. scale, a dog comes in way below a pig, so that bacon you're eating is quite intelligent, but your dog is a dolt. Julie Andrews can visit your house and sing Do-Re-Mi to your dog all day and at the end he will lick his balls and her vocal chords.

So, make the words your dog learns important words, like "sit", "stay", and "if I find my Italian loafers in your mouth, I will wrap you in foil and put you in the microwave."

Yes, that means cut the googly talk from your vocab. "Who's a good boyyyy", "Who wants to play with the ball", "Who pees like a big boy" (all in a grating baby voice). None of that. Notice I didn't put question marks after those "questions". Your dog doesn't know what a questions is, and doesn't care.

The whole concept of asking your dog a question is absurd. Who the hell is in charge here? Asking him a question implies that he gets to decide shit, and that he has weighed the alternatives. Cut it out.

Given the chance, your dog will eat turkey dinner until his stomach does a half gainer out his anus. Dogs don't decide to stop eating. Newman once ate some turkey, threw it up and re-ate it. Then he shat it out and ate it again. Then he got another dog to puke it out and he ate that. Then he got a different dog to shit it out and ate that. Then he convinced some strangers, who thought he was cute, to eat it and puke it out and he ate that. This went on until Christmas, when we cooked another turkey.

YOU make the decisions, despite what your spouse tells you.

Your dog does get tone of voice. So, when you say, "Get in the fucking car or I'll break your legs", sure, it's a lot of unnecessary words. You probably just have to point. But it's fun to say, right? Go ahead and say it. Practice on your spouse. Just don't phrase it as a question. You're embarrassing yourself in front of other dogs.

When you speak infantish to your dog, your dog thinks, "What a fucking patsy. This jerk's gonna give me all the prime rib I want", only not in those words exactly.

There is no such thing as empowering your dog. Your dog doesn't give a shit who Oprah is, or what his constitutional rights are. You are training the fucker, a la Pavlov. Stop messing around with infantish.