Sunday, 22 January 2017
Helloooo Newman: It's Finally All Coming Together for Me: Great news for me. One of my articles has finally been accepted by The New Yorker . Not only that. The editor told me that on the ...
Great news for me.
One of my articles has finally been accepted by The New Yorker.
Not only that. The editor told me that on the day they reviewed all the entrants, Woody Allen happened to be in the office and pointed out my submission as an exceptional piece of comedy.
It's a $5,000 pay day.
Aren't you glad you know me?
The above are, by the way, alternative facts.
Saturday, 21 January 2017
Maybe the American Presidency is an episode of Undercover Boss.
"Donald Trump" is a horrid costume to disguise his real identity.
After feedback for his "employees", he'll take off the shroud, and it will be Jesus.
He'll give everyone $50,000 and time off for their suffering.
Friday, 20 January 2017
Thursday, 19 January 2017
The last place I look for God is in the Bible. I don't think He even wants to read it.
"This book makes me look so mean. I'm not that mean."
Yesterday I found God in this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB9INrprn0M
And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vf42IP__ipw. I have no idea what they're singing about, except some kind of flower. It's better that I don't know.
I also find him in a good pizza crust. Yes, there's nothing like a good, chewy-on-the-inside and crispy-on-the-outside pizza crust to find God.
I have yet to find the Virgin Mary in my crust.
Wednesday, 18 January 2017
Congratulations to Matthew McConaughey for committing so much to his new role by gaining 50 lbs.
For my next blog, on healthy fruit, I will swallow a large bag of persimmons, followed by a rambutan juice cleanse, and finally a back rub using the essence of a horned melon.
All while I write.
I think you should know how committed I am to the process.
BUT – I don't go bragging about it on t.v., do I?
Monday, 16 January 2017
I'm so excited to be going away March Break for the first time in my life.
Since I'll be on a beach, I need to get in shape like mad.
For this trip, I've picked a butternut squash shape. And I'm almost there. Just put a speedo on the squash above and you have the picture.
The location is classified, mostly cuz Justin Trudeau might show up and give me a hug.
Sunday, 15 January 2017
Saturday, 14 January 2017
As I age, my life is more and more of a movie. Lighting is all-important.
I can only bare to shave by soft candlelight. Anything brighter and I look like a spent dryer sheet – or the offspring of Keith Richards and a Chinese Shar-Pei.
Boy, I hope I don't wake up one morning and find a dog's head in my bed. Not that movie!
Friday, 13 January 2017
There's an old advertising writer's trick that you need to be aware of.
(Yes, you can end a sentence with "of")
Perhaps you've read these books:
11 Routes to a Fuller Orgasm
9 Teen-Raising Strategies that Don't Involve Skin Lacerations
Can you guess the trick?
Here's the trick: When making a list, never use even numbers. Readers are more convinced by odd numbers because, so the argument goes, it seems less deliberate, as if the writer went to great lengths to weed out the "best of".
(Again with the "of")
You don't want a book on the 1000 best wines. You need that one last bottle, the one the writer almost forgot because he was tangled in the grapevines, shit-faced on the first thousand bottles.
Author: Sam, stop the press. I found that one extra bottle.
Publisher: It's at the book store.
Author: What are people going to do with the 1000 best wines, you moron? It's ruined.
Don't even bother drinking that last bottle of wine or having that 11th orgasm. Your thirst will not be slaked and the orgasm will most assuredly be faked.
And forget the teen-raising strategies. None of them will work. Just go with physical violence.
Thursday, 12 January 2017
Wednesday, 11 January 2017
What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Is your life but a mere horror-d'oeuvre before the luxurious all-inclusive meal? Is Heaven eagerly awaiting your arrival (but not too soon I hope)?
I think if there's an afterlife for peeps, there must be one for dogs. You can't tell me that Heaven let's me in (have you seen my morning face?) but doesn't roll out the cloud for the likes of Newman's cutes.
No dog owner on earth believes in Heaven, but simultaneously believes their dog won't be patiently waiting for them.
That would constitute dognitive dissonance.
But hang on a dog-tootin' moment. If dogs are in Heaven, there's dog poop all over Heaven. Alive, Newman can't use a toilet, and I don't see that changing in Heaven, where everything is about relaxing and floating around, not learning new skills.
The Holy Bible is mute on all this, as far as I can make it out. Don't quote me, as the last time I read The Holy Bible I was vacationing on the holodeck with Tasha Yar after inhaling jugs of Jig-A-Loo used for a BBQ cleaning.
If Heaven is covered in dog poop, that ain't Heaven. That's my backyard. My backyard ain't Heaven.
Therefore, there's no Heaven and no afterlife for anyone.
Now get back to life. Your dog is hungry.
Tuesday, 10 January 2017
The Voyager 1 probe was launched from earth in 1977. Its mission is to probe space. That's why it's called a probe.
Voyager 1 trots along at a healthy 62,140 km/h, has travelled nearly 20 billion kilometres in almost 40 years, and still hasn't left our solar system.
Maybe it's not unreasonable that I have to park two blocks away from the dentist and walk.
Sunday, 8 January 2017
It's time we retire the word "yoyo" to describe events that go wildly up and down all the time, like the weather.
It's stale, boring, and let's face it, when was the last time you yoyoed? I didn't think so.
"Oh, isn't this weather crazy? -10 today, +3 yesterday. Up and down like a yoyo."
Every time I tried "Walk the Dog", it resembled "Putting the Dog Down". The damn yoyo wouldn't come back up. The string would tangle and I'd throw the mess at my brother.
One time it came up directly into my scrotum. That's called "Fucking the Dog".
I think a much more effective term is Bipolar Person. "This climate change, it's turning the weather into a bipolar person."
Then you can follow up with, "I wish this weather would make up its mind. It's so moody."
Isn't that beautiful? It also publicizes the plight of bipolar people, who need our help.
"Another bipolar day. Shit, that reminds me, have to take my meds."
I considered "erection", but for most men this is always up for half their life and then down for the rest. There's not enough "up and down" there.
Others I considered were "drowning person" (bobs up and down until they die), "crack addict" and "trampoline artist".
I think you'll agree "bipolar person" wins it.
Friday, 6 January 2017
Who came up with the word mammogram? I'm guessing a man.
Mammogram is too similar to words like cookiegram and balloonagram for my comfort. I might venture a guess that the man who coined this term wasn't getting the serious nature of the topic. Typical man thing to do.
It sounds like something delivered by a stripper to an office party.
"Hey Jim, you got a mammogram out front. You'll never get through all that. Gonna share?"
I've come up with some far superior names. They combine the playful, to reduce anxiety around the procedure, and the serious, so we're all on the same page about the vital nature of this test.
Mamm Exam: I love the lyrical rhyme, paired with the clinical nature of the description. Almost like pairing a nice red wine with a well-marbled side of beef.
Breast Test: A little less clinical, but still love the rhyme.
Tit Test: Before you get mad at me for the crudeness of "tit", remember that "tit" is the name of a bird. Context is everything. Okay, this might be the wrong context, but the alliteration is funky.
Let's wait to see which one of these terms gets widely-adopted by doctors.